Unpreparedness

Unpreparedness
So it’s beginning… the wild dreams about not being ready for my wedding. During last night’s dream, my florist opted to do a little league game instead of come through with my flowers. My gown was NOT what I was hoping to wear (it had a red velvet veil for Christ’s sake). My BMs and MOH’s looked fantastic though. And Earl came down the aisle in some … grey shirt black slacks… his coat was off and he had those fake scented fabric roses in his hand and went down the aisle pelting folks with them in the congregation. Oh… that’s a nother thing… we were married in a church??? Although beautiful, it was catholic. And could explain why my gown was like Queen Elizabeth. I was just in horror. And to top everything off… everyone that I asked to help me didn’t know what to say. They were like… don’t worry about it… and yessing me to death. But WHERE WERE MY FLOWERS??? if nothing else was going to go right… at least I could have had my flowers. *sigh*

Baggage

My brother and I were watching The 44oo last night (used to be a good show… not sure what they’re doing with the plotline right now). Anyway there was a 4400 on there that had the power to make you halucinate… it basically went into your psyche and picked out the person that you had the most baggage with and made them appear to you – just as a real person would, complete with personality and attitude. Only you could see them though. And it seems that they wouldn’t go away until you resolved whatever it was that they did to you to affect you on such a level. One character it was is Dad (typical). Another character it was some dude she was engaged to that they didn’t end up marrying and now she was all afraid of commitment. I turned and asked my brother (knowing the answer) who it would have been for him. He said my dad. And I thought for a second… Who is it for me? I’d say my uncle (who molested me) but… I confronted him at 12 and although he lied to my face, I said what I needed to say and was at peace with it.

So… who’s carrying YOUR baggage?

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Bad Spirit

Bad Spirit

I remember overhearing my aunt and mom talking one day about a special talismen that was put around the neck of small babies when there would be friends / family visiting. It was shaped like a horn, curved in the middle an hung from a cord (not usually a chain). It was either that or a small black fist with red and green beads at the wrist. The purpose of the talismen was to guard against bad spirits. Particularly from the envious eyes of women who couldn’t bear children or had tried and miscarried. Something about their gaze is too longing and too wanting and can hurt the baby. My aunt sat in wonder as she told the story of how one such woman was peering into my cousin’s crib during a family event (probably his christening) and when she happened upon him later, the talismen was cracked in half. I always rememberd that story. And I always feared being one of those women that new mothers feared. Never mind that I’m already in the miscarry category – but I would’ve hoped that my general spirit and love for the mothers would have overruled any fear.

Now, I’ll preface by saying that once upon a time, when I just dated a dude… and he’d be invited to a wedding… but they didn’t do a plus one… I’d get HELLA insulted. Until I had to put a list of my own together and totally understand why now – not paying an extra plate for someone who might end up just having been a jumpoff. So this may be a common reaction from women when they first have their children and I’ll be on the giving end of it one day. I concede that. But as for right now – I don’t know WHAT it is and I have to assume it’s me.

For some reason – despite the fact that it’s a whole other life that they have to learn to take care of, when my friends have babies… they hold me (i can’t speak for anyone else) at an arms length. I remember literally YELLING at one friend to please let me meet her baby since they’d been back in NY for MONTHS and after me offering numerous times she kept staving me off. One person taught her son to dislike me, so now when I come near, he completely recoils. Then there was today. I was all geared up and excited to see my spech and my godson again. My baby cancelled all his plans cause he couldn’t wait either. I called her to see what time was good. She made it sound like she had a pretty full day and probably couldn’t see us till later – so we were like… okay so 6 ish? She agreed. An hour later, she called, sounding very put off and can’t-be-bothered and announced that she had too much to do and we’d have to reschedule. “Maybe sometime next week or something?” she offered. I told her I’d have to see and I hung up after our short goodbyes and sat there staring at the screensaver of Justyn on my phone. Earl tried really hard to find out what was wrong with me… but it just launched me into an hour long bawling. Of the deep sobbing, choking, I-may-die-with-the-next-volley-of-tears style crying. I cried through my whole shower and cried all the way back to the room and while I was getting dressed. I didn’t want to tell Earl why I was crying because it seemed so silly… but here I was. It was confirmed. I was this bad spirit that everyone was worried about. He finally got me to talk it out with him… and I still felt like an asshole – but it’s amazing the things you carry around with you all your life. I must’ve been 5 when I heard the story. It truly makes me want to just leave everyone be who has a child. Immediately – so they don’t have to give me the constant Heisman when I come near. I get it. I’m not wanted.

So here in the throngs of new children being born – I’ll just wait to be invited over. Cause I have a SERIOUS headache and I can’t afford to cry like that often.

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Mesmerized

Mesmerized

I have that final picture of my God Son saved as my screensaver on my phone. And whenever I take a look at my phone, I find myself mesmerized by his eyes. Just dumbstruck – trying to figure out who he is… What kind of contribution he would make… Where might he end up going… What kind of person he would be. I feel strongly that I am in love with this little boy. And frightened by the idea that this love I feel is a QUARTER of what parents feel for their babies. Can the human heart love THAT much??? And if so.. Can mine? Really?

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He’s Here!!

He’s Here!!

… I mean… he’s been here since last week Tuesday – but I’ve been wanting to make a PROPER post of my sweet, beautiful, perfect Godson – Justyn Jonathan Eaton. *sigh* He’s so dreamy!

This was at the hospital last week a little over 24 hours after he was born

Master Justyn and his GodMother

Master Justyn and his GodFather

Master Justyn and his Auntie Li’l Vic

And now this is him at 1 week and 2 days.

I’m totally in love…

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Today started out as a day that may have gone well with some minor adjustments – like waking up a tad bit earlier and being more diligent in my work this weekend. I woke up “on time” for the most part and put together a pretty nice outfit. Walked out of the house feeling pretty confident I’d make it JUST in time for my 10 o’clock. Even had a transit worker do the whole follow-me-make-smalltalk-possibly-get-my-number action (more on that later). Then I got to the 1,2 and 3 trains to transfer – still making good time – power outage. Harrrumph. Much milling about and confusion of the lemmings to find alternative ways to jump off the cliff drove me above ground to collect myself. After some thought – i’m on the E train to my destination. I hope this isn’t going to be this way all day *sigh*