New Whip

New Whip

That new car smell…mmmmmm

Inroads

Inroads

This weekend has shaped up to be quite relaxing and wonderful. I spent the majority of it with my baby just being together. Friday we were supposed to go to a friends birthday get together, but he wasn’t feeling well, so I took care of him friday night a little and see if I could make him feel better. Then Saturday he came to pick me up bright and early because we were scheduled to go out and shop (just to look) for a new car. So we went for an appointment we had for 11:30 and we looked around and agreed that no matter what, we would only seriously consider a car if the payments to the new car would be less than the current payments we make on our Diggy. After looking at many models and asking a BUNCH of question – we found one. We’re actually getting ready to go pick it up right now. I’m excited. It’s a brand new car – we don’t have to really worry about all those repairs we were going to have to make on Diggy in the near future – air conditioner, pistons, moonroof, plenty of body work, odometer… just a bevy of things. AND we’re saving like $100 a month! We picked out a 2006 Honda Accord. I know it’s not like luxury style and oh-my-gosh… but it’s brand spankin new … and I’m really happy. My baby is bittersweet. He loves material things that bring him many good memories. Diggy was his very first car… he had a lot of great experiences in the car on road trips and fun memories. He’s the slightest bit reluctant to give her up. But I believe that he’ll easily get over that once he starts driving the new car around. I wonder what we’ll name her….

When we got home saturday night, he initiated a very candid conversation with me about his hangups going on in our intimate life. He was very open about a lot of things and I was really surprised (in a great way). After he laid out all the pieces for me and I was able to put it all together, it started to make a lot of sense to me why things are the way they are. But his promise to work on it coupled with his admission of his placing me on a bit of a pedastal which was keeping him from thinking of me in a certain way really cleared up a lot and has me feeling quite positive and looking forward to where this road may take us…

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Relocation

Relocation

I’ve claimed it in a major way. From this point – I have one year to be out of this neighborhood. I will not allow myself to turn 33 and still be living in Elmhurst, NY. I refuse. It is the biggest gift I can give myself, my parents and my children one day. And I woke up this morning with my new life on my mind. Earl and I went to go to an HPD Development Lottery information session yesterday, and even though the chances at that lot may be slim for us… (they’re really only letting folks bid on 2 of the 11 houses w/o preference), the fact of the matter is that I’m more knowledgeable about the home buying process. I feel more confident and am less afraid. I know I have some things I need to work on (namely savings) – but that has also never stopped anyone from buying a new home. Earl and I have inspired each other to work hard at becoming better people for ourselves and each other and the results are making themselves apparant. We want this for our future.

Everytime I turn the corner to my apt, I think to myself… My parents have been living in this same building for 37 years. Almost 40 years. And cumulative the rent they’ve been paying over 37 years… I shudder to think HOW MANY HOUSES… how many great investments… how much more belief in themeselves they could have had. I know that it’s a standard line to say “well, they did the best they could.” But in my parent’s situation, they were poised for more. Bad decisions. Selfishness. Fear of change. Those enemies held them in place. But not me. And I refuse to leave them behind. They will have that house one day, so help me, within this next year. It would have been ideal to find a home before our wedding vows take place. But I’m realistically giving us one full year… until July 2007 to be 1) new home owners 2) in charge of our future 3) looking for new investments 4) controlling our finances (not the other way around) 5) setting up a firm foundation for the next generation of Flearys.

I’m buzzing with anticipation and solid determination.

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The Masses

The Masses

I just had an epiphany today and really, it’s one that would have made sense to have YEARS ago. But I guess somethings take 30-something years to not only realize… But accept. Today’s epiphany is:

YOU CAN’T PLEASE EVERYONE.

And like… The “can’t” in that is absolute. So it’s not “If you try reeeallly hard you might just please everyone” or “On certain Mondays, pleasing everyone is a possibility”. NO. NOT EVERYONE – EVER. I have friends around me still trying and to some extent, physically I was.

I believed that if I slimmed down to a certain weight or dressed a certain way that quite possibly EVERYONE would find me attractive and thus make ME happy with my self. But at the weight and style that I embody now, some people find me impossibly hot (and GOD BLESS THEM), to some eh, at least i’m not an eyesore or too hard on the eyes. And still to others, they are disgusted by me and my body and style. And as I change so do people’s perception of me based on their own experiences. Some people think this new fad of wearing cut off shirts when you have somewhat of a pendulous belly is attractive (i am most certainly NOT one of them). But so many women do it… SOMEBODY has to like that shit.

today, I had on an outfit – fitted tee, jean capris, my little indian flat flip flops, hair pulled back – real laid back for me and perhaps a look that I may not have rocked before I lost the initial 20lbs (ie the fitted tee). But some folks literally broke their necks to look at me… I even got a “you look HOT baby”. And some folks did their general ignoring of me or maybe even the occasional sneer which made me tug @ my shirt or adjust the twins at the next reflective window. But as the day wore on I realized that was more of the engrained mores that I’ve adopted since gaining the weight…. since going through puberty… since realizing that anyone was looking at me.

But you know .. I’m quite content with being fabulous for the folks that just like … me. Big me. Small me. Super-flashy-divaesque me. Laid-back-super-casual-dressed-like-a-boy me. There are people (and they don’t always have to be the same) that find me beautiful at every stage. But most of all I’m so excited that it’s finally ME that loves me at all of them. Yes… a little pot in my belly, a waddle or two – but some legs that can kill and eyes that hypnotize and a big em-effin heart.

I got it goin on!

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Never Enough

Never Enough

How much of you is enough…
Enough of you to protect me in my nightmares
and to fill my mind with sweet daydreams
How long can I gaze into your eyes
And imagine what our kids will look like.
How much of your skin can I touch
or mouth of you can I taste
To fuel my memories for a lifetime
And make my future bright with anticipation
Infinitude.

4tress 200607241058

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