Leftovers

Leftovers

“If it’s magic, then why can’t we make it everlasting
Like making sure we dress in style
Posing pictures with a smile…”
-Stevie Wonder, If It’s Magic

When I was in the business, there was a tape (motivational) I listened to about reasons to build the business, get free, yadda yadda. One of the reasons this particular speaker was giving was – so as not to be the recipient of “leftovers”.

Every morning he’d watch his wife get up, get showered, put on her best clothing… best makeup, prettiest heels, do up her hair and then… head off to work, where the boss would get the best of her all day for at least 8 hours. Then she would come home, a shadow of the person who walked out the door in the morning, throw on her sweats and flip flops, put her hair in rollers, slap some cold cream on and be with him for the remainder of the day. He decided he was gonna get off his butt and build the business because he didn’t want her bosses “leftovers”. He wanted to be the one for whom his wife prettied up and put effort into being beautiful for. Of course the story ends that they were successful in the business, made enough money for her to retire (and eventually him) and now he gets the top shelf when it comes to her.

I think it’s so important that your significant other gets the best you have to offer. Sure you get dolled up for special events when you head out together. But… how about for just simple stuff. Like… spending the day together wandering about? Shouldn’t you throw on your cute jeans and do your hair up pretty and be the best thing on his arm? Shouldn’t you shape up your cut, maybe dab on a little of her favorite cologne even if you’re gonna just lay there and sleep when you visit her? What’s the sense staying together if you’re not even gonna try to impress each other anymore?

I know that finally finding someone that you want to be with is the ultimate exhale, let your gut out, show all your faults and attempt to be comfortable with them AND this person. But… every now and again – just for no reason (not a wedding, not a ball, not a forum) … shouldn’t you give YOUR PERSON a glimpse of what they originally fell in love with – pull out all the stops and make them say “wow”?

Shouldn’t it be more than every now and again? Shouldn’t it be like…as often as you can?

I have this all backwards, don’t I?

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Lost my Religion

Lost my Religion

So, I think it was Monday, or Tuesday… the search for a new religion is officially over for me. I’m at the point where… “why bother?” Something to understand about me – I’m deeply spiritual. There’s no building or congregation that will strengthen or weaken my love, faith and devotion to and in the Lord. But… I’m also a very communal person. I like to work within a community of what i’d like to think are likeminded folks. So there’s a part of me that has been at a serious lack for communal feedback since I left the whole church scene – community service, youth programs, choirs etc. I can get that stuff elsewhere, but I haven’t tried to because I really liked it in the packaging it was in – praising the lord and singing at the top of my voice AND helping my fellow man… it can’t get better than that.

But this past Easter made me re-evaluate somethings. This is the most “un-catholic” I’ve felt in all my life. Amidst the many texts and emails “Happy Easter!” “Joyous Ressurection Day!” I began to scoff at them, like “yeah, whatever.” After hearing something on 1010 wins… I was pretty done with it all. They had a report about the sermon that Cardinal Egan gave… Here are the basics:

Egan took issue with a U.S. News & World Report magazine story on a
controversial new book called “The Jesus Dynasty: The Hidden History of Jesus,
His Royal Family, and the Birth of Christianity,” by a religious studies
professor at the University of North Carolina, Charlotte.
The book by James Tabor claims that Jesus was the son of a Roman soldier and that he wanted to establish a worldwide dynasty led by 12 tribal leaders, with his brother James,
rather than Peter, as its leader. Tabor also takes issue with a translation
of an original Greek text, released recently, in which Judas is depicted not as
a traitor, but as acting on a request by Jesus to hand him over to the Romans.
Egan didn’t mince words in offering his opinion of Tabor’s book.
“What he has to say is science fiction out of control,” the cardinal said.
And, “The one about Judas that has gotten so much attention – I laugh at that one,”
he said. Egan used his sermon to encourage Roman Catholics to read the Bible
more often, suggesting a minimum of 20 minutes a week. “All of this nonsense has taken hold, and maybe it’s a blessing. Maybe it will motivate you and me to read about Jesus Christ right from the source,” he said. “Next year when Time and Newsweek do the silly articles, you will be prepared.”

And for the last time, I think… I was embarrassed by my baptised religion. The past indiscretions were enough to send anyone away… keeping women down for centuries, the crusades, the lies about the bible, and most recently the abuse of young boys / girls by the proclaimed “sanctified” members of the church. But now… the close mindedness. It just didn’t register. I couldn’t bring myself to justify it anymore. To even TRY to. I sat with my brother and he made it very concrete for me. “Vic,” he said, “this may hurt and it may take a while to wrap your mind around it… but… the Catholic Church… is dad.” This went through me like a white hot knife. Dad = is always right. Nothing he says or does is ever wrong. Even in the face of the truth or true reason, he is unwilling to reassess the situation for anything that may have been his error. He’s never apologizing. He’s never corrected. He is the Right. Always. Forever. Amen. And wait… I want to belong to an organization that thinks like HIM???

HELL. NO.

But then the 2 of the 1-2 punch came my way. “Every religion is like that, Vic…. they ALL KNOW they’re right.” Can’t I find a religion that might even try to rethink something based on new evidence? Like… I saw the piece about Judas… and I’m willing to think that it may need some looking into. It’s totally possible. And considering the lost scripts they’re finding from Judas and Mary Magdalene and lost books of the Bible… WORTH looking into. But what does catholicism want to do? Turn it’s nose up at it. Call it names like “foolishness” and “science fiction” and not even EXPLORE the possibilities.

Don’t get me wrong – at the base of religion is man. And Man is fallible. But now… I don’t even want the community of close-minded folks. I’d rather just do my service alone. And that’s tough. But this newest revelation has brought me closer to God than ever before.

I know I’m babbling… but I’ll get it together soon…

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Getting it Together

Getting it Together

For the briefest moment, I do feel that life is pretty together for me right now. I’m not super stressing anything. I’m just kind of relaxing and enjoying the moment – which is highly unlike me.

I had a few strange dreams though that I want to document before I totally forget what they were. The first dream I had like maybe about 3 or 4 days ago. I dreamt there was a huge snowstorm and I was watching it from my window / fire escape. Just like I did on the 17th this year when it did blizzard. And the part that I remember most vividly is that there were these HUGE snowflakes… like… large umbrella sized snowflakes blowing down the street. They almost looked fabricated but I was convinced they were real and all I wanted to do was catch one (not on my tongue, obviously) but wrap my arms around one and fly away with it.

Another strange dream I had this morning was I dreamt that Jean and Cher got into a car accident walking along side of a gas station and some car was making a turn from a stop light into the gas station and hit them broadside and sent them flying into the air. They landed on the pavement and got up and assured everyone around that they were alright. But they totally shouldn’t have been. I woke up and texted Jean to make sure that they were alright… He called me back and told me that last night on the way home from a wake, he was rear ended by a van full of drunk folks… who then consequently tried to escape but when their car couldn’t get to far, were forced to wait… That whole sequence freaked me out because i don’t want to be like… pre-cog or any of that stuff.

BBL

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Why Bother

Why Bother?

I wake up this morning (sunday) and know that yesterday was a bust as far as me being a good daughter: I had to work from home then when I was at a pausing point for freelance, my baby came and spent a huge chunk of the day with me and then when he left, more freelance. So I didn’t do all the good things I should have been doing as their daughter on Saturday. So I woke up, gave my self a much needed facial, planned out my day for what I’d do after I cleaned the house and then I got right to it. Moved the vacuum cleaner into position and began. I vacuumed the house, mopped the floors, wiped down the windows and mirrors. At one point I was going to go in to their bedroom but the man was getting dressed for church. So I put the vacuum cleaner over to the side and did something else so I wouldn’t lose momentum. I mopped in front of the main entrance, since they came to change the door yesterday and it was really filthy. As I was reentering the house and ready to vacuum the kitchen and their bedroom, he says to me… “How much longer?” Didn’t know why he said that… so I said – “is there something else you needed me to do?” “No,” he replied, “You’re making too much noise.”

*blink…. blink*

“But I’m cleaning the house, ” I responded in case he couldn’t actually SEE what I’d been doing for the past hour. “Yeah… I usually do it – but not on a Sunday,” was his retort. “Sunday was the only day I ha…. why am I arguing this with you??? I’m cleaning the house. You’re ridiculous, ” My voice started to raise – because I couldn’t believe that instead of a simple “Thank you” – or even NOTHING AT ALL, which at that point would have been better…

HE WAS ARGUING WITH ME ABOUT MY CLEANING THE HOUSE!!!!!!!

I can’t even begin to express the levels of anger I was and am feeling. I do too much. I do too little. Either way he finds SOMETHING to complain about.

So why do I bother? Because “because you love them” isn’t cutting it ANYMORE. He’s managed to hold my mother down for 38 years and keep her in place with his FUCKED UP attitude and drove EVERYONE who loved her away from here with exactly that kind of bullshit. He’s not going to do it to me anymore. The worst and very saddest part is that he will never apologize. I KNOW it.

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Dhrama

Dhrama
(off the cover of the R.Kelly vs. His Brother Beef DVD) *sigh*

This weekend was that. D-RAMA. But I’m not letting it dampen me. I’m pushing on. I’m over the hump of many trips and days away from work keeping me unfocused and I’m back in the saddle.

I’m also COMPLETELY fried tonight and have zero energy left. So I’m gonna use the last bit to get me in the bed.

G’nite, Young World

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