Angry Egg

Angry Egg

This is how it was explained to me:

When a baby girl is gestating in utero at about 16 – 20 weeks, she has about 6-7 million oocytes (egg cells) in her body. Most of them waste away leaving about 1 – 2 million at birth. By the time puberty rolls around, a good healthy 3 – 400,000 of those remain. More than enough for a life time of fertility. Only about 400 will get used through the life of a woman’s fertility. Most often, more than one egg is released during ovulation, but there usually a dominant egg and on occasion two (fraternal twins). But the eggs that don’t get used make their way down the path and your body is informed to trigger the menstrual cycle. Sometimes… one of the eggs that is released, doesn’t make it down the path and gets stuck on the ovary or lodged. And sometimes it can enlarge. This is usually the naissance of a cyst. Just and egg that didn’t make the cut and wandered down the wrong path.

My cyst is pretty big. It’s sitting atop my right ovary and I’ve been consoled that at this stage we can just watch it… no need to go in and do anything. And also warned that if it twists… it will be a pain that will launch me off to the emergency room.

I can’t tell you how i feel about that part of my body right now. Sometimes I wish if it was all going to be defective, just scoop it all out and throw it away.

The slightest evidence of hope makes us hold on to the craziest things.

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Sweet little arms

Sweet little arms

I had a dream the other night. I was sitting in a burkalounger chair… but slightly wider. In the dream I truly was me looking out of my own body (you know how sometimes you’re a player in your dream and you are the observer, watching yourself? – does that make sense?) but … this time it was me looking from my eyes over whatever I saw. I was sitting in a family room and on either side of me tucked under my arm were two precious little babies. They were about the same size… maybe 2 or 3 years old. I just remember their arms being wrapped across my waist and tummy. Short little sweet childrens arms with brown skin and comfort… all three of us totally relaxed and enjoying being in that position. It made me remember countless days I spent laying behind my mom with my head on her hip and her hand draped over my head playing with my hair and ear. I’ve never known relaxation and safety and HOME like that before. Even now as a grown assed woman… when things go horribly wrong it just takes her healing hand to center me. Get me to clear my thoughts and begin anew with renewed hope. To think that I coul ddo that for any human being is really daunting. I don’t know if I have that much love in me. I’m sure I could find it.

I do love dreaming about my babies. They’re SO delightful… I can’t wait to really meet them.

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