My New Mantra

My New Mantra

“This is true joy in life, being used for a purpose; recognized by yourself
as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish
little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not
devote itself to making you happy. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die,
for the harder I work, the more I live.

I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no ‘brief candle’ to me. It is
a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to
make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations. “

George Bernard Shaw

God sent someone to me that had that message specifically for me. It’s so good to know He still passes me notes.

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None of Your Business

None of Your Business

I stayed later at work than I was planning to because I placed a call to my Nininne (godmother) at around 9:30 and we talked for a long time. About 2 hours. I don’t think she realized I was at work but I realized that informing her would cut the conversation short and I desperately didn’t want to do that. I rarely get to talk to her at length and I really did want to talk. So I let her believe I was at home and we chatted.

At one point I brought up my mom and her failing attitude. I’ve always attributed it to my Grandmother passing on. Ever since then she’s been in a self-proclaimed “rut” that she’s not been able to get out of. My Nininne was quick to let me know that wasn’t the case. “The rut goes back to things that happened between her and your father and that brought her down and she hasn’t been able to come up again.” “Like what… if you don’t mind me asking?” I followed. For the first time in my whole relationship with my Nininne, she hesitated. “Wait,” I said…”is it none of my business?” and I could feel the relief on her end. “No baby. It’s not any of your business. Things happened between your mom and your dad and by the time he realized how stupid he had been – he had done his damage to your mother. It’s not my place to tell you.” “Well, if you won’t tell me, I know mom won’t tell me so I guess I’ll never know…” I led her… trying to get her to go ahead and tell me anyway. No dice. “No honey. I guess you won’t”

I worry at this point. My mom and I are drastically different now. She’s intensely private. I’m openly outward. She loves to move in shadow – and the more sun for me the better. But now… I face the connundrum – conceal enough of myself for my child to never really know me… or tell her everything and risk her not respecting me?

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