Shift

Shift.

Sometimes I feel it happening. Sometimes it’s more obvious than others. I remember that when I was learning to dance and learning to step, it was an art. The art of shifting your weight just right so that the next step could be acheived. If it ended on the right, it couldn’t start on the right again unless you were anticipating it. It required you keeping your weight on the left for it to happen. But it’s the body’s natural propensity to shift weight from the right if you just used it, to the left. Just a constant dance to get you from one place to the next. There are the constants. Family. My baby. And then the cast of friends. Sometimes they step in where you never thought they would. My latest challenge involves heading to a court to dispute something. I really don’t know where to begin. And I feel like everyone I talk to about it gives me this blank stare … like they really don’t know what to do. Except promise that they’ll keep me in their thoughts. Honestly, if I didn’t know what to say… I’d probably do the same thing. I try not to be an expert at the things that I’m novice to. Then there are some friends that seem to know what you’re going through and are willing to hold you through it, refusse to let you give up on yourself. They have nothing to gain from it at all – except you being a happier friend… D and Robin have been really holding my hand through this. Robin, the constant source of information and encouragement, and “don’t let them beat you” and D… I guess sensed that I was afraid to go alone… took off of work early, to take me down to the courts. TOTALLY didn’t have to, you know? But was there and got me balanced when I thought I’d fall. When I was about to say… “I’m not prepared, I’ll come back tomorrow” — she refused to let it happen and made sure that I saw my way through it – came up with ideas that i wouldn’t have thought of on my own. I’m sure any of my friends would have come with me if I asked them. It really just blind sided me when she offered. It’s hard to push my own pride aside to come out and say…”I’m really afraid of what this will do to the future I envisioned for my kids… and honestly, I just need someone to talk to while I wait.” And as soon as I got home, Robin hit me up checking in on me. Then my baby stopped by to give me a hug. Constant shift and making sure I stand straight.

I understand the essence of a team of two. I know that in a married relationship, you’re supposed to rely on each other unequivocally. Kind of like… two sides of an A (with no line in the middle) Leaning on one another to hold the other up. But in my head… my baby doesn’t deserve to deal with any more problems. I feel like… I should be helping to make his life as carefree as possible. And whatever problems HE faces… I should be right there to help. But he always asks me… why can’t he help me with MY problems. I honestly don’t have an answer for that. Anyone? Where does that come from within me? I gotta work this stuff out.

But things are in motion… slowly moving from Y to Z.

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Rested

Rested

For once in a long while, it’s exactly how I feel. Really relaxed and rested. After being up at 4 in the AM to work tirelessly for the man on Friday, my brother “treated” (meaning I have to pay him back on Friday) me to Deborah’s and I had my first Mind Eraser — which wasn’t so bad… but I did take it incredibly slow and drank lots of water and ate lots of ice (which is my new obsession, in case you didn’t know… don’t have a glass of ice between us at a meal… our conversation will sink into the background as I scheme ways to get at the ice in your glass). So — erase, it didn’t. but relax – sure did. Funny thing about being THAT exhausted… I yearn for things that will exhaust me more. Like… nothing would have been more perfect than to get tipsy and then lay there while my baby had his way with me and then drift off into a glorious sleep. But he was busy friday night and i didn’t have the energy to drag myself through the streets just to get home. So I took it easy … watched some movies and fell asleep. And stayed asleep a long time. Woke up on Saturday around noon and called my baby who announced that he’d be here by 2:00. So I showered and made myself smell and feel really good — put my pjs back on and waited for him. He came through the door with lunch (my breakfast) and we ate… he caught the itis and we slept.

Glorious, quiet, protected, wrapped in his arms, nothing could hurt me now, i can sleep forever like I don’t have a real job sleep. For like… 3 hours.

It was WONDERFUL. He wasn’t rushing anywhere… his day was to be mine. That’s all. And I didn’t have a place to go except to face him or to spoon with him. Those were my only directions. At around 8 or so we woke up and just dallied around the room. I swear we didn’t do a damned thing… and it was just what I needed… not to worry about the millions of things I was worrying about. Not return calls. Not be pressed to go anywhere. Just lay there and be in my baby’s arms. He left around midnight and I thought from having such a lazy day, that it would be tough for me to get to sleep. NOPE. I fell RIGHT OUT. And woke up this morning around 9:00… with auntie promptly kicking my ass. As she has been all day.

I planted myself at the computer and tried to squeeze out as much work as I could. I did alright. Could’ve done better but I set myself up to get a LOT more done in the coming days / weeks.

And now I’m ready to do battle with my demons once again. It feels like it’ll be a LONG week… but sometimes… those go the fastest.

I can only hope.

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4:00 in the Mornin… What you gonna do?

4:00 in the Mornin… Where you gonna be?

A- wake at the office… I’m gonna get myself to work now…

Well… it’s an irrelevant reference if you didn’t grow up with 90′s / early millennium hip hop. But… the fact of the matter is that I’m awake at 4:00 AM and it’s PITCH black outside… but I’m ready to go out in it so I can prepare to stand there with a video camera for a live broadcast that we’re doing. Yep. I’m a videographer now. Not.

Luckily I tend to look my age… and act younger. But today I woke up and looked in the mirror and had bags under my eyes. I usually NEVER have bags under my eyes (i mean… can you imagine the size of bags that would need to host MY eyes? It’d be like… garbage bags LOL!!!!) It’s not that I’m being incentivized for this. No one is paying me more or offering me more of a position of growth for this. My boss said, well SOMEONE (read: I’m lookin at YOU bitch) needs to do it. And so, here I am, lotioning up at 4:30 AM. I’m glad I woke up in time. I really hope I’m not in bed dreaming that I’ve woken up and showered and now blogging while I get dressed. That has happened to me many times before and OHHH what a feeling when you wake up realizing that you haven’t done a thing, you’ve lost about an hour of prep time and god forbid you dream of going to the bathroom — not so much a dream.

Prayer Request
I’m going through some things, people. One thing in particular, I’m not at liberty to discuss widely because I don’t all know what the repercussions of that are. I just have to say that I was taught a while ago, that when you’re nearing a goal, chances are the biggest most cumbersome obstacles await moments before the reaching of said goal. And it’s really the gauntlet for a lot of people. Your heart and your passion determines whether or not you’ll realize the goal. In slightly more religious terms, it’s the Devil trying to steal my joy. Because if I don’t have that, I’ll have no fuel to press on and achieve my goal. Thusly, him keeping me in a bad place, thinking bad things and ultimately doing badness. We’ve all had some gauntlets in our lives. I always remember one in particular. Trying to get from point Y to point Z (after sweating through and passing levels A – X…) but somehow… MORE trial was waiting at the end. Bigger adversity. Mental anguish. Pain. Suffering. But keeping my head down and pushing through all of it… in an instant — redemption. Peace. The end of my travel. The relaization of my goal.

I had to remind myself of my own quote. Fear and Faith. Yeah. Sometimes is VERY hard to implement. It’s so easy to fear. It’s so natural. It is completely unnatural to know that everything will be okay when all signs point to otherwise. But that’s what I have to do. I have to be completely confident that I’ll come out victorious. Because I will. I have no time for fear of the unknown or the negative possibility.

*sigh* I’m pep talkin myself like a MUGG!!!!! But if y’all do pray or meditate to a higher being or the glorious energy that is the universe- please send an extra one up for this sistah right here. Doesn’t have to be specific. “God – just don’t let her give up on her dream.” I’m sure he’ll take care of the rest.

Thanks y’all. I’m off to work.

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Lately I’ve been waking up on time… like… 6:45… But completely befuddled as to my whereabouts or how long I’ve been asleep or generally anything. I’m a little worried by this. Could it be that my sleep is so blissful that I wake up so suddenly and have to reorient? Or is it something else?

I noticed that since I get up earlier, i feel less tired. But this not knowing where I am thing… it’s disturbing a little.

Oh well… off to work.

Realizations

Realizations

But first… a poetic interlude:

Untitled Freedom
This is how I feel the world’s heartbeat best…
Through the mellow jazziness of
these humming baselines and
highhats and rimshots.
I feel very hip and cool and can you dig it…yeah cat daddy.
And free.
Like knowing I should always feel this way, ridin’ shotgun in ur ragtop
breezin along the coastline.

(that’s been sitting in my palm pilot for a long time. I’m doing some data spring cleaning)

So… this love thing…

It’s tricky.

Because… after you’ve allowed yourself to fall into it and be caressed by it… angered by it, saddened by it, numb to it, excited by it, bored of it, yearning for it and one day you feel like you can get used to it — you end up sitting there on a saturday afternoon looking at the man you love sleep… and not being able to fathom life without him. Not quite sure what it was like before him… and as far as you can see into the future, you’ll always be right there watching him sleep.

And you can’t have it any other way. Like imagining living without air.

You don’t even want to think about the days beyond the days you can see in your mind where one day, you may not be able to be there… or he may not be able to be there. Because… you can’t see life that way.

I told him one day… “We’re gonna have to time when we get off this mudball. Because I can’t spend too much time with out you right here. We got here within 4 days of each other… and I’m sure it’s because I ran after you from the last life. We’ll just keep that pattern, okay?”

He laughs at me a lot and looks at me like “crazy girl”. But I mean it. I don’t even want that “till death do us part” crap in our vows. There is existence beyond this. I know that. And I’ll be there waiting for him. Or vice versa.

*sigh* love.

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