A Fighting Spirit

A Fighting Spirit

Once upon a time… this girl right here had a fiesty spirit. I’d debate with the best of them. I would fight even better. (verbally of course *bats eyes*) But I would have the last word. And I would raise my voice and it would get terribly heated and you could scoop the tension with a spoon. It would get really bad. And who, you say, would I be fighting with? Anyone who wanted some. Specifically my boyfriends / boy toys, etc. For a long time I was trained in the ways of going head to head with men on …. well… any topic. And my brother taught me the art of debate. And how to be “Strong & Wrong” — sometimes you realize that you may have chosen the incorrect stance for winning THAT particular argument… but it’s too late to waver… you have to stand your ground… and be strong and wrong. So I charge at things head first in an argument, and I will emerge victorious. I had one ex who used to not be able to hide the grin at getting under my skin and making me yell at him. It was a challenge. Who was going to win? Really, in the end, no one… but if we were lucky, we may get some angry / makeup sex out of it. (Which is pretty amazing in the right situations).

At least… that’s how it used to be.

I’m not sure if it’s older age… or dealing with my baby (who after 2 good yelling matches and exactly one break up I realized doesn’t roll like that) that has made me calm my hot behind down. I’m not so easy to anger anymore… in the midsts of an argument, I try to keep my wits about me and weigh both sides of the issue. I don’t raise my voice or make offensive gestures or get in the person’s face. As a matter of fact… I try to let the situation cool out… take a LOT of time to formulate my responses so that they’re coherent and understandable by both sides so it’s less of a “no… you’re wrong — I’m right” kind of situation and more of a “see… here’s the issue… and here’s how I see it… now tell me how you see it.” After years of perfecting this tactic… I got into exactly 2 situations today that would have caused me to revert to the old me. The strong-and-wrong-I-will-be-right me. And in both situations I tried to use my new keep it calm tactics. And the more I tried to keep it calm… the more I wanted to yell. I found that I had to pull myself back a few times before I let myself get out of hand. Both situations turned out okay. No birds were flipped or egregious scenes were made. I marveled at how I’ve matured.

That was really the point of my post today. Sometimes it is good to take note of how you’ve changed as a person in the good and the bad ways. And I’m happy to know that that fiesty chick is still there on hand if need be.

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And I Ran…

…And I Ran…

So…

What’s to be said for the person who doesn’t “stick it out”? All our lives we’re taught these examples by people who stay in situations and “see them through”. Sometimes no matter how bad they are. Failing marriages. Dead end jobs. Demoralizing associations or friendships. But they tell you… hold on! don’t give up! stay the course! I guess… it’s supposed to prove how steadfast you can be to a cause. But what if it’s eating you alive? What if it’s making you wish you were never born… or wish you never met a particular someone… or making you hang up the phone shaking with tears of anger in your eyes that you are STUCK as the steward of another? Is it okay to run then? Is it alright to abandon a situation if you feel it will make your life better? What about… leaving to grow? Leaving a situation so that you yourself may have a better life? Does it have to get down to life or death? “If I don’t leave him, he’ll kill me” style situations? Can’t it be just as bad as “If I don’t leave her, I’ll completely lose my grasp on what love really means” or “If I don’t get out of this job, I’ll NEVER have any self worth ever again” or “If I don’t disassociate myself with this organization, I’ll never feel that I make a significant contribution”. What kind of hope do we abandon in ourselves when we stick to a “situation”?

There are a handful of situations in my life that if I could just be rid of… I believe that I’d grow as a human being. I’d get better and feel more like… my life and my time are worth something more than what I feel they are now. But I’m locked in place by those institutions and am being given little or no wiggle room. So does that classify me as a “quitter” if I leave those predicaments so that I can find better ones to be in?

I’m actually getting to the point where I don’t care what others think because I myself am SO oppressed by these situations… that folks can call me whatever they want. I need out.

And I’ll begin to make my way. More details soon.

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Giving Up

Giving Up

I expend so much energy on trying to uplift and counsel other people. It gets to the point where… I lose sleep at night about them. Worrying about THEIR lives. Why can’t I make their lives better? Maybe if I advise them this way… or that way? I see such brightness for them if they would just change some things. And I’ve been steadfast for a long time with a key number of people that I try to encourage… I try to hold on. But the idea of letting them go by the wayside has become increasingly attractive. All that same energy that I’m giving to them could very well be channeled into things that I want to do with myself and my world. Besides… constantly being a cheerleader to a team that won’t change their ways and keeps losing is getting to be a drag. I literally feel like I’m bashing my head against a brick wall. But you know what… everyone has to live their lives — they all have to burn their fingers on the fire to know it hurts. Me telling them that it burns is not enough. And if they want to be stuck in one place for the rest of their lives… and NEVER progress… and NEVER even attempt to realize their potential but CONSTANTLY bitch about where they are in their lives…

So be it. I have no more words of… anything. Umma rechannel and get myself out of where I am.

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Backwards

Backwards.

It’s been a minute since I posted but not a day goes by that I don’t think I should write something. I’ve had a million thoughts in my head but none more prevalent than this — I feel more disconnected during the holidays than any other time of the year. I used to think it was because I used to be in choirs and christmas shows. Surrounded by holiday cheer and happy, joyous people filled with excitement. And since my school days, I haven’t sung in a choir or participated on that level at all. I’m completely disconnected from any sort of community. and I don’t count the sisterhood because I swear that’s there to challenge me to maintain my composure more than it is for me to feel love and happiness. I don’t have a church home. I don’t have a neighborhood (anymore — most of the folks that made up my neighborhood moved out). I don’t really feel a part of anything at work. These days more than ever I’m detached from my friends. Everyone seems to have their own thing going and rightfully so. I’m not even a part at home. I’m the last young person standing literally and it’s just getting worse. I try to hold my mindset away from theirs — no one here wants to celebrate ANYTHING. Much less the holidays. And while I busy myself with more projects than I can handle, I sit and listen to the aloneness. Just around this time… every year. And this year more than ever, I’m thinking… I may just need to leave it this way. I’m tired of fairweathered folks and people who want to just stay in touch when they feel like. It’s just not how I operate and I’m seeing that how I operate… maybe isn’t for everyone. Maybe isn’t for anyone. I get a lot more of my projects done with less distractions. It really sucks to be communal and HAVE to be alone.

I hope I feel better in the morning.

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To Isis

To My Dear Friend Isis, on Her Wedding Day:

My heart is so full at this time I don’t know where to begin. I met you and I never knew that you would have this kind of effect on my life. I never dreamed that I’d feel this close to you or have this kind of friendship with you. I met you and it was the most random of meetings. And I made your acquaintance face to face and you were the epitome of all the things I was told a Lady should be and I’ve always admired you. Watching you today with your new husband and your sweet baby boy… and having been there in your life when they both didn’t exist in your world has allowed me to witness such a transformation. I am in AWE of the works of the Lord. Seeing little Devin running around and being just adorable, and remembering when you called me that day to tell me you were pregnant with him. Seeing you pledge your life to Eric and remembering the numerous calls where you couldn’t understand why this cat kept calling. And now seeing the three of you together — watching Devin call him “Papy” and him calling to and depending on you… I got choked up just thinking about it. I love how happy you are. And how happy those around you are. Because you deserve it. And it’s about time!

Congratulations my sister. I love you and your family and wish them nothing but the very best in all facets of life. I look forward to being witness to all your familial wonders. God bless!

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