Disconnect

Disconnect

There are a few things that will sober you right up. Sitting here at work after coming from a celebratory party in our cafeteria drinking on my champagne and feeling fine, I figured I’d call mom and make her privy to the fact that my baby is coming to pick up the wheelchair today for return to the surgical supply and not to forget to give him the leg stirrups for it. As we’re chatting lightly… I hear James Brown playing in the background in my office and I want to rush to hang up so that I could shake my booty in my chair. The words “okay, mom… I gotta run…” had almost made their way out of my mouth when she intervened.

“Uncle Vava has a brain tumor.”

Short of having my mouth agape I sat there suspended… trying to collect my thoughts about what I thought it meant. But stayed speechless for a long while. He was already battling colon cancer (but according to the Drs… wasn’t going to survive.. because here.) But this was out of left field. Worst part about it is that my mom had to hear from a mutual friend that he went to the hospital this morning. That’s her first youngest brother. How the hell are you hearing it from anyone but his family or him? So I guess because she was in shock… she needed to shock someone else… at least one other person.

I need more time to collect more thoughts.

*

Idolize

Idolize

I knew he’d be in the office today.

I didn’t know what that would mean for me.

Usually their managers are being real dicks and don’t want to let them talk to anyone… or sign anything or take pictures at all.

But I acted like I was there to do my job.

And tried to put myself in the right place at the right time. Right by Ben’s production studio. And hope for the best

Ben waved me in after a few moments to have me take a picture of them.

I took the picture and I heard him say… “Do you want one too?”

And I half speechless said “I would LOVE to…”

He put his arm around me and hugged me. I said “This is such an honor, sir!”

He said “It’s my pleasure… you smell WONDERFUL!” I giggled… the camera snapped:

*sigh*….

*

Birth

I dreamt that I gave birth tonight. While lying here in my bed i felt the pangs of labor… Or whatever I’ve imagined them to be. And I set up my my laptop on the chair next to me and googled “how to deliver a baby by your self”.

I got the page open and followed the instructions to the best of my understanding, all the while marvelling at what little pain I was feeling. It was more a sense of urgency and a deep yeqrning to rush the baby out that made me feel discomfort. There was a concern that the baby’s arm was above its head snd the website addressed this issue, but I felt and heard voices carry me through the process… My own little ER in my mind. But I was quite lucid that I was in my bed, in my bedroom alone.

I started gentle and steady pushing. And the website said something about delivering a baby bottle first… Then the baby. Strange. But I was confident that wouldn’t happen with me. The sense of urgncency increased and I pushed and pushed and pushes and pop…. I felt the urgency stop… And I sat up to take inventory. It was laying on its side with it’s back to me so I gently turned it over while this overwhelming feeling of worry compelled me “is it alive? Oh lord…. Please let it not be stillborn”. I looked at this creature… Still really foreign to me… Worrying… “Did I do it wrong by deciding to deliver it myself? Oh God… I hope I didn’t mess its chances of survival.” I wiped away as much “stuff” as I could from its face and nose and stared and hoped… Please be alive… Please be in tact… Please be healthy… Please be unique… Please intelligent… Please show me the most wonderful and amazing process in life: motherhood. It’s eyes opened slowly… And it smiled at me (i say it because I never checked for gender). That smile allayed all my fears. I knew it was going to be all of those things and more. But it never cried. Just quietly waited for the next step. And so did i… Holding my newborn in my arms. And then I woke up.

*

Soul Seeking

Soul Seeking

This weekend, we did an exercise. To make you realize how you have things appropriated in your own mind. I’m sketchy about the exacts… but we were asked to fold a letter sized piece of paper in to 16 squares and then tear them apart. On 5 of the papers, we were asked to write the name of 5 important people in our lives. On 3 of the papers – three things we liked to do most… On 2 of the papers – 2 things I’m most passionate about. On 3 of the papers –three things possessions that are dear to me. On 3 of the papers — three dreams that I have.

5 people:
God
Mom
Dad
Domi
Earl

3 Things I like most:
Singing
Dancing
Designing

2 things I’m passionate about
Music
Helping Others

3 possessions dear to me
My grandmother’s Photo album
My mom’s Madonna pendant
My engagement ring

3 Dreams of mine
Motherhood
Owning a house
Paying for my children’s future endeavors

The workshop facilitator brought us through a scenario which starts off with me becoming ill with some kind of incurable disease… and it takes me through the twists and turns of having to give up things from each category. She told us “ball it up and throw it away”. By the end of the exercise… I was left with my Grandmother’s photo album and God… and tears. Many tears. The exercise of throwing away the things that I loved or dreamed about left me completely empty. To the point that when one of the workshop assistants came around to throw away the garbage… I clung to my little pile of crumpled papers. Unable to throw them away — again.

It made me think a lot… For the first time in a long time I asked myself… “What am I doing?” I was at a career symposium this past week where I was one of the speakers. They wanted me to talk about what I do. I ended up talking about how I got there… I have a speech predrafted for College students. My message: Don’t rush to the stop light. Take your time… decide what you WANT… don’t rush on account feeling like you HAVE to choose something. A positive, encouraging message to the Undecideds — as I was … And that if you’re 50 or 80 and decide you want to change… feel free. What do I want to do, I asked myself in front of them? “I want to be a stay at home mom.” I said it proudly. One person in the audience applauded me outwardly. “I’ve empowered myself to be able to work from home with my choice of profession.” Nothing is more important to me than being able to be there to see my kids off to school… be there when they come home and have hot meals waiting… help them with their homework…. make sure they have clean clothing… tuck them in at night… be there to help with first steps and scraped knees and bullies and first crushes and big tests and broken hearts and major leaps. To BE THERE. That’s my dream. That is what I’m passionate about. But what happens… if I can’t do that. If I can’t be a mother… then what?? And it is a serious reality that I may not… with the RH Factor and the fibroids… and lord knows what else is lurking in this timebomb… What then?

Then, talking to MJ this morning, I expressed how I was about to look into the 401K program at the job now… it’s too risky to try and shift around now what with the wedding and house shopping… after 4 years in the company, I guess it’s time to sit back. But I felt like I said “put the final nail in the coffin”. That’s what I felt like I had admitted to thinking about doing. Then talking again at the end of the day… he went on about this GREAT accomplishment he had reached today. The thing that if he did nothing else in his realm of work, it would define him and he would be proud of for all of his days. His contribution to the world of work that he loves.

So… what am I doing? What will my contribution be? What is my purpose?

How much easier would life be to live… if there wasn’t an answer to that question?

*

Pusher

Pusher

he’s my pusher
he feeds me
five lines of
addiction
and fills in
my four voids
with waves
flowing in a now
now time signature
writing secret staccato
to my psyche
loud enough to shake
my bass and hit my
g
clef…

4tress
200510111555