It’s Been a Long Time

It’s Been a Long Time

Yep. I know. Time Warner has sucked REALLY BAD. Like… I have no words for how bad. Like… since August 17th bad. And how much stuff has happened? A LOT. More than I can remember to blog here today. I’m just tired and hopefully soon, will be a little drunk and I’ll get to sleep. But here’s the list

- new coworker started last week. can’t wait for him to be trained up
- haven’t really spoken to the ‘rents since the blowup
- spoken at length with broham – he’s keeping me sane.
- went to another wedding.
- spent a quiet weekend in dc with the mister.
- feeling a little bit more energetic, but over all not healthier.
– more relationships changing as time moves on.
– took a vow of celibacy.
– seeking counseling
- attended chapter meeting AND deployed the newsletter like a good little aka.
- almost went toe to toe with my new boss on some stuff that wasn’t my fault.
- lost more weight.
- almost started my abuse blog. (chickened out. again.)
- going on a drinking binge for my 31st — hopefully will come out the other end alive.
- celebrated my baby’s 31 (today). tried hard to make it festive. sad that i had to try hard.
- learning more about myself and how others percieve me every day.

And that’s all I have energy to spare for. I need the rest of it to lift this glass.

*

In Vain

In Vain.

I don’t have the energy to retype everything so I’ll just copy and paste the rant that I just typed to R. You’ll get the gist.

me: just got off the phone with mom. she’s complaining that there is so much to do in the house. last night dad had a tough night, he was sweating all night and she had to get up to change his clothes because he wouldn’t.
me: and this morning he had to empty the bathroom because they came to fix the plaster that was cracking from the ceiling.
me: and so he was complaining.
me: and she says… “I think I’m going to give up everything and go to a home”.
me: and I said… “Why would you do that, mom?”
me: and she says, “Because at least then, I’d have someone to help me.”
me: …
me: so i say to her “Oh… i guess I shouldn’t take that offensively at all, huh?”
me: i just got off the phone at that point
me: why do I even bother?
me: i should have moved out when I had a chance.
me: why would she have said something like that to me?
me: i mean…
me: i’m doing all that I can.
me: within the limits of quitting my job and caring for them all the time.
me: it makes me want to say “fuck it”
me: here are some brochures for some homes…
me: find one… get out.

Mom has officially gotten to the stage in Haitian aging that makes them say hurtful, offensive things to their kids JUST TO GET A REACTION. I’m not going to go through this . I refuse.

*

I Know It’s You

I Know It’s You

Not much to say today. Had a gang of great experiences. Had a few distasteful ones. Won’t dwell to long on either. ‘Ceptin for one.

I was moved to blog because sometimes… something or someone you love, when you love it long enough, surprises you with a new way for you to say, “WOW… I really love you and I know why now… again.” You know how love kind of … doesn’t die down, but maybe, becomes so steady that it fades off into the background? And you might forget that it is the fuel for your engine and not just a moving part? Then BANG!!! It does something to remind you. I got that two fold just a few minutes ago.

As I was setting up my new Nano (THANK YOU R!!!) I was quickly going through the songs I want and don’t want, are duplicates and not so much and the tracks with no name from an untitled album. I stumbled across one… where I listened carefully to the voice singing. It didn’t take long AT ALL for me to recognize my Donny singing to me. That’s a voice I can’t forget even if I tried. But I hadn’t heard this song. So I listened to the words. Could barely make them out because it’s late and the neighbor may complain (again… douche). But then it gets to the chorus… and thru the low volume and the white noise of my room… I hear that soul. I hear that depth. I hear that emotion… and he sings to me…

“No, I ain’t got
No body else in mind…
I know it’s you”

And this time… moved by Donny’s voice… I heard my baby’s words. Ones he’s spoken to me over and over in my fits of paranoia and insecurity. Clearer than ever. Sometimes it takes music to get a message across to me. I can be pretty dense. But music makes it through all of that. I fell in love all over again with that voice… and my man. The phone rang a few moments later and it was him telling me good night. I gushed to him that I love him and he returned it. He’s so excited about me since he saw me on the show last night. I won’t ask why anymore. I’ll just understand it’s because he knows – it’s me.

(check the track on the radio blog)
Here are the lyrics:
Nothing feels better
Than my baby’s arms
They’ve been around me a long time
Nothing feels better
Than some good news
Makes you glad to face the new times
I tell you nothing’s better
When there’s no need to look
Cause you know who’s there
I smile the world over
When I think of the past
how we passed all the tests
through the good and the bad

And that’s why
I want to say it right now

No I ain’t got
Nobody else in mind
I know it’s you

Home is a castle
You built in my mind
I’m home anywhere
anytime
Peaceful and patient
Easy takin’ time
It’s so nice to have a simple mind

I tell you nothing’s better
When there’s no need to look
Cause you know who’s there
I smile the world over
When I think of the past
how we passed all the tests
through the good and the bad

And that’s why
I want to say it right now

No I ain’t got
Nobody else in mind
Cause I know it’s you

That’s the reason I wanna stay right here…

*

Blowout

Blowout

The Setup
Today’s account will be of the experience that I had being one of 100 some odd Brides to be at a Kleinfeld’s / Brides Magazine / Good Morning America event. I got put on to the event by Maxine (Thanks Max!) who was selected and had asked if there was a way to bring a guest, but they said no. She offered to send me the email and see if I could get in on my own. I accepted and did just that. Emailed them, buttered them up and begged. I got on the list. We had to report to this spot at 6:45 by the first email and then the later email stated 6:15. So, I came home pretty early last night and was in bed and knocked out by 11:30 (totally unusual for me). My eyes popped open at 3:30 AM and I tossed and turned for another half hour and finally wrenched myself out of the bed at 4:00 AM. I showered, dressed, made up… all the while thinking about the fortune I got at dinner the other night “You will recieve a high prize or award.” I thought about the fortune that had come my way in a number of ways lately and I wonder if that was my prize… or could it be Mega Millions (*crossing fingers*) or could it be this event today? Who is to say? I can just show up and hope for the best.

Arrival
I called the cab at 5:15 and got to the building at 5:45. There were about 10 other brides standing out side talking about what might happen today. We all heard the words “compete” and “showdown”… so we exchanged early apologies. One bride-to-be stated boldy, “umma let y’all know right now — I’m going for the gold.” So we were all on our guards, but keeping smiles on our faces. Max showed up after a little bit looking super regal in her Moshood garb with turquoise accent. We stood there for a little while and then eventually went inside and got registered and seated. The gist was that there were 100 some odd brides… there were 200 balloons… 20 “tickets” that got you entrance in to 3 stretch limos to go to Times Square to compete for bigger prizes by diving into a 15 foot by 6 foot bridal bouquet.

Smarties
In the meantime there’s a fashion show and Max and I are seated in prime positioning for some camera play and right in front of Becky and Buffy. OH. MY. GOD. If they didn’t shut up, I think Max and I would have partaken of some mutual euthanasia. They were remarking how one couple had candies on their table instead of flowers “because they both liked candy so much so they replaced the flowers with smarties and red hots… how cuuuuuuute;” and another couple they knew didn’t have kids in the wedding so they had their dogs walk up the aisle instead. Huh? I leaned over to Max and said “Kill me” and she responded “Do it now” and we cackled loudly over their droning about nothingness. The room was bright white accentuated by the white that all the women were wearing and the bright lights. There were some serious doorknob rings in the room: just huge and elaborate. But my wire heart frame keep me grounded.

Bacchanal
Finally the time came to pop the balloons (with bic pens) and uncover these tickets). Two words: May HEM. These semi docile and sort of almost civil women became raving lunatics when the balloons made their appearance. Pushing, shoving, punching, trampling, clotheslining, rummaging, scavengering, grunting, yelling, squealing. It all abounded there on that floor for those few moments. I got stabbed with a pen and stepped on.

Resignation
When we all realized that all the tickets were gone and they whisked the women who were so fortunate off to their final destination, the rest of us sat back down consoling ourselves that we were told that there were three final prizes to be recieved by the catcher of a tossed bouquet. Um… okay. Li’l background on me – I NEVER participate in that. When I was single… not now that I’m engaged… and I never will. The sheer animal brutality that happens on those dancefloors of the world is blight to womanliness and femininity. Plus, I don’t want to mess up my hair. But when one of the bouquets headed my way… I reached for it… (mind you… we’re still in our chairs… EXTRA BAD) — lunged forward and the back of the chair impaled me RIGHT ON MY pubic bone. I hurt for minutes later but the woman next to me hopped to it and grabbed the bouquet right from my line of fire. Good for her, I thought. Sucks that I signed away my rights and indemnified them for the black and blue that I KNOW I’d have to explain to my baby should he look down there. They gave the remainder of us a sorry little consolation prize with makeups I’ll never use, and a $500 gift certificate that is REPLETE with strings and conditions. (Good only on a purchase of $2500 or more and AFTER the initial deposit, etc) *shrugs*

Redemption
I left there feeling really sad. Like, I’d gone there to accomplish something and I didn’t. I sulked away from the experience to console my sorrows in a little breakfast with Max. Talking to her made me realize I felt great and blessed about having the story I’d be able to tell my kids one day about their auntie and me and our escapades through the town. Then, on the way, I checked my messages and got one from my baby. He told me how he caught a glimpse of me on the television and how if that’s anything like I’m gonna look in 2007, then he can’t wait and he needs to hit the gym harder and how much he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful and how he looks forward to being my husband.

There was my high prizes. There wasn’t even a doubt in my mind about it.

*

One Word

One Word

I got this email from someone today and although I thought it would be very simple to answer, I found myself working incredibly hard to embody this person in one word.

Describe “me” in ONE WORD, Just One! Send it to me only, then send this message to your friends and see how many wonderful/strange things people think about U!

I had to think long and hard, if there was only one word that I could use to describe everything that this person displayed to me… or the one word that exemplified the most important characteristic about this person… what would it be? I sent the email out to my friends when I was able to come up with my one word. Here’s what I’ve gotten back so far (in no particular order)

Effervescent (got 2 of those)
Loving (got 3 of those)
QUEEN
loyal
selfless
romantic
GENUINE
Beautiful
compassionate
pensive
Graceful
Unique

It turned out to be a GREAT pick me up in the middle of a VERY strenuous day. And I needed it.

Amazing what one word can do…

*