Rupture

Rupture

Ever feel the dynamic of a relationship change right before you and you didn’t do ANYTHING to make it happen? But just like, one day you woke up and everything was different… sometimes in a good way… sometimes, uncomfortably? When I think about it happening, I imagine the plates of the earth moving. It’s supposed to happen because the earth is growing and changing, but the effects are sometimes cataclysmic… sometimes beautiful — pending on your proximity. I have a few relationships in my life that in the last few months have morphed and I’m not sure where they’re headed. I’m uncomfortable mostly because I guess I was used to one thing and now they’ve turned into something else completely. I’m wondering if I should mention it at all because as I’ve been told a number of times, I’m overly sensitive, so it may just be me thinking something is happening.

Like… today… I had to stay home from work because… and there’s no nice way of phrasing this… Dad was pissing blood. Yes. ICK. I know. So this is like… SUPER cause for alarm. Called in and told them I wasn’t coming, took him to the Dr. who gave us the – “let’s see if this is still happening 2 weeks from now” me: *blink, blink* soo… *looks at dad, blink* okay *looks at doctor right in the face*… normally this IS the cause for alarm… what would need to happen between now and 2 WEEKS FROM NOW that would, i dunno… further alarm us to take alternative action to coming here and having YOU placate us with dumbness and maybe end up at an emergency room; him: if he’s still bleeding this way this time next week. Great… so he cut the wait period in half. Dumbass. Okay okay the point of my story. There is… or i guess… was… one friend who I would have undoubtedly picked up the phone and unloaded this on. Totally just spilled my guts, aired out my fears and with a few choice words from them, I’d be righted and calm. But, dialing that number or attempting to reach out to them now feels like… eh.. they don’t want to be bothered with this. And THAT bothers me. How did I get to feeling that way? We didn’t fight or say any meanness to one another. That comfort level just… dropped away. But it also feels uncomfortable to try and rectify it, because… maybe that’s the way it needs to go… and I’d be thwarting fate or some shit. I dunno. But it’s many relationships that are suffering the same thing. I think that I’m changing… I hope it’s for the better….

I’m zonked from today, man. At least Dad is humerous. “I feel like a young girl coming of age…” he joked when he came out of the bathroom. Um… GROSS, daddy… but funny. I love that guy.

*

Okay… I’m it… but not for long…

Okay… I’m it… but not for long…

Total # of books I own: over 300.

Last book I bought: PHP and MySQL Web Development – Welling and Thompson.

Last book I read: Black Power Inc. – The New Voice of Success by Cora Daniels

Book I am currently reading: The Bridal Passport Wedding Planner by Denise & Alan Fields

First memory of a book: Tikki Tikki Tembo, No Sa Rembo, Charri Bari Ruchi, Pip Peri Pembo even though I remember it being Rikki Tikki Tembo (and NOT because of Rikki Tikki Tavi… I’m lucid on this one… i used to roll my R’s on it… RRRRRRRrrrrrikki Tikki Tembo… no sa… well, you get the idea)

Five books that mean a lot to me:

1. My Grandmothers’ Photo Albums. Not a stereotypical book. But what stories are in them — my family’s history. They were the FIRST thing I asked for when she passed and would be the FIRST thing I’d grab for if this place were burning down.

2. A Light In The Attic – Shel Silverstein. It was the first book to let me know that even at that age, my imagination could inspire me to write — prose, poetry, stories and songs without feeling like it sounded stupid. Plus i STILL love to recite “Twistable Turnable Man“.

3. You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought by Peter McWilliams Changed my whole perspective on how I view the things / occurances in my life.

4. Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger — I always felt a real connection with Holden Caulfield. We were just the same. I even had a fight with another psychology major about Holden and felt wholly offended when she attacked him with her psycho babble… cause he was my friend!!! LMAO!

5. I’m straining over here.

Books I’m looking forward to being consumed: The next wedding / bridal issue of _________ Magazine. I haven’t really set out to read any real books. It’s a shame. I’ve been so focused on trying to pick up every wedding mag in the world. *shrugs*

Books that are underrated:

Most books are… till you pick up and read them. Who knows what grain of insight is waiting for each person in any book?

(no…I couldn’t think of one ) Wait.. okay… one…

Night by Elie Wiesel — this book left such a huge impression on me and changed my perspective about books in general. How such a short book could have me so riveted and teach me so much… amazing. I think I read it twice in one day. I gotta find that book again.

Books that are overrated:

Most … okay… all books by Michael Baisden (dry heave)

Steamy Romance novels with characters like Parson Jim and Chezmerelda. I don’t really like “romance” novels for the same reason I don’t like reality shows… don’t READ about it… GO OUT AND DO IT!!! Dang!

Thanks Lala! That was fun… Off to tag unsuspecting bloggers…

*

Fresh Air

Fresh Air

I got the call while I was out at lunch that she was waiting for me at reception. I took a call from her at my desk, making sure it was convenient for her to visit with me with relative cool. But the closer I got to my office door, the faster my pace quickened to the point where I was running down the hall. I appeared at the door way and we jumped into each other’s arms. We hugged for what seemed to be an hour. The reality of my Sugie being right there all the way from Switzerland and Brazil for the past year dawned on me slowly. I had numbed my sensations in relation to her so I wouldn’t feel the lack of her so much and hurt while she was away. But when we finally did disengage our welcome hug, and took a moment to admire each others newness — tans / lost weight / longer hair — we jumped RIGHT into it. Back to being best friends as if we never lost touch for a moment. We caught up on as much as we could have stories, detals, emotions sensibilities, wants and desires for the future… I told her throughout the conversation how much I missed her and by the time we were done (rather, our time was up) I felt so much lighter, more positive and happier than I had in a while. I was feeling really down until my best friend surprised me with a visit today!

Then to top off the day, I got my teeshirt in the mail!! WHEEEE!!!! Look:

Turned out to be a really good day. Off to spend time with my baby *tee hee*

*

Sense of Community

Sense of Community

It’s the last thing that expect to find on a train in New York City. Last time I saw any inkling of it was the days after 9/11 when everyone sat in morbid silence in respect of everyone elses personal thoughts. Men gave up their chairs to women (pretty or otherwise) and elders were given passage to walk / sit. It was nice. It lasted about 2 or 3 weeks. Now the only sense I expect to experience on the train is nausea at the smells that abound or annoyance at people’s lack of respect for someone else’s space to the point that they don’t even say “excuse me” or “sorry” anymore when they elbow you right in the kidneys and now lately the sensation of nervousness that some yahoo will get on the train and decide to blow everything up. Today, amongst all of those sensations was a brief one of community… and genuine caring. As I was thumbing through yet another Bridal Magazine, I heard a few loud snorts coming from the middle of the train car. I tried to crane my neck to see what was happening but found that I was struggling to get past other people’s heads craning to see the same. The entire car was turned inward to know what was happenening and then a man stood up and walked to the other side of the car and took hold of someone whow I guess had fallen onto the floor of the train. I heard mumbles of “Do you need a glass of water?” “Are you Okay?” “Call 911″ “If you get off at the next stop, I’ll wait with you for the paramedics”

From what I can surmise, it must have been a narcoleptic that fell into a deep slumber (where the snorting was coming from was some deep assed snoring) and when the train jolted, he fell into the middle of the car. He swore he was okay, but EVERYONE on the train was concerned for him. And he was riding alone. It’s nice to know that exists still.

*

Goodness

Goodness

Things were this weekend. Things were good. Not spectacular off the hook or like… mediocre. They were good. On Friday, I came to my baby’s rescue. He’d had a miserable day (on both work and home fronts). It was up to me to put some bacitracin on the wound, gently cover with a bandaid and kiss it so it would be all better. I panicked a little… unsure if I would know what to do. My brother assured me that I’d know when he got there. That’s why he was rushing to me… because he had faith that I could make it all better. And I think I did. I gave him a huge hug upon seeing him, gave him 115% of my attention and many reassuring smiles and kisses and let him lean his head on me and lay his defeat in my lap and pour his heart out about anything that was troubling him. He was much lighter when he left me later that day. I asked him if he felt better and he replied quietly, “Much.” Nothing matches that feeling.

I enjoyed the company of my family Saturday morning which I’ve come to appreciate more and more. I actually LIKE them most of the time. And more than ever, I can understand and respect the love they have for me. It’s hard being a parent. And what an AWESOME decision someone chooses to make when they have a child. You’re fostering an entire life. I am my parents. And I’m in debted to them forever. I love them more than ANYTHING in this world. And I don’t have to preface that with “except for…” They are it. Mother is the word for God on the lips and hearts of all children. Yeah… and Daddy can get that too

Okay… *misty* so… after the hanging out with them I went and hung out with my sweet baby. Where I took that mighty step into “joint” land. I think my fear is a yielding of power. I’m very independant in a lot of ways. I like to have control over anything with my name on it. I like to run stuff. And doing anything “joint” leaves it to chance that the other party might mess it up or leave it in my hands ultimately (which may have been avoided if I had just taken ownership of it in the first place… etc). But the way he held my hand and looked at me and reassured me that everything would be alright… I couldn’t hold on to my reservations for long. This was it. He is the one. I know that sounds cliche… but he is. And not to heap on all this responsibility on him that he may not be able to handle or to see him in a light that makes him superhuman. He’s just the one. The one for me. And together we’ll be alright with all of our idiosyncrasies and quirky qualities. I feel good about that.

Later on that night me and my step-sisters got together to bid farewell to one of our sistren who has bought a home in Florida and is moving on. My heart was heavy. Not that I spoke to her every day and she’s not my best friend in the world. But she has had an impact on my life and definitely someone I care about and tell my secrets to. And we all stood and gave a toast to her. It was likened to a funeral / wake where everyone goes up and speaks. But she was there to hear all the wonderful things people had to say about her and I think in life, EVERYONE needs that. It’s nice to think that people think well of you. It’s imperative to know what they think. We’re so critical of our selves that when you hear that someone else looks up to you… or finds you inspirational… it mentally and physically jolts you. Because you’re always striving to do more. It’s important to know that what “little” you’ve done has positively affected lives. And she has. And I’m going to miss her terribly. That godforsaken panhandle is swallowing up more and more of my beloved. I guess I’m going to have to learn to like going there.

Finally today was just a day spent with my beloved and rolling around the city doing things we liked: eating, catching a movie, napping. We saw Wedding Crashers which was actually very good and I was quite surprised that my FAVORITE comedian, Will Farrell was in it *yessss*. We laughed heartily and mused at the different ideas we were getting from the wedding motifs in the movie. It was wonderful. At one point laying on his arm while he drove me home, I heard the radio come on and right off. It was his favorite song of the moment. So I asked him why he didn’t leave it on. (get ready for the barf bags…) – He said he’d rather listen to the sound of my heart beating. That was the best music he could ask for right now. IS THAT NOT THE BEST???? Straight out of a storybook. *sigh* Who would have thought that after all this time, fairy tales might have a little something to them…

*