Insecure

Insecure

I just awoke from the worst nightmare that I’ve had in a lot of years. I’m pretty distraught right now, still. And it’s been a while since I’ve had a dream that makes me this mad, this far after waking up. The details of the dream are sketchy, but it was one that seemed to last for an eternity, although I’m sure in reality it was probably two minutes of my sleep this morning. But after waking from it… I couldn’t go back to sleep. In mid sob, I woke up and I’ve not been able to unfurrow my brow. So I figured if I blogged about it, maybe I could help my mind find the line bewteen my dreaming state and my waking state.

Again… details are sketchy… but the whole experience takes place at some kind of port. I’m assuming Air… but the dream indicates that won’t be the kind of transportation that we’ll be taking. But we’re waiting around. I’m there, my baby is there and just random othee people from our lives. Sitting around, eating a lot of junk from the convenience area while we wait for our departure. For some reason, as we’re waiting, I guess we start to all play some truth game. Not really truth or dare, but some kind of game that makes us reveal something about ourselves that no one knows. And this whole time I’m feeling like I’m floating above the whole situation but I’m in there and I’m participating. After a few go arounds, my baby answers a question to the tune of… he’s in love with someone else. Just like that. It hit my dream self like a ton of bricks that he was trying to alleviate by explaining how it happened. How he managed to be mentally involved with another woman; how he didn’t plan for it to happen; how nothing has happened yet on the physical plane; how one day something just went off in him. All the phone conversations and IMs and texts and weekends away and late nights at work… it was all piecing together like a horrid puzzle from some sherlock holmes book. And as my mind put them all together… the abyss came.

The abyss… is a way I used to describe this never ending… cavernous abcess in the depths of my soul. If I had to describe WHERE in my body the abyss was… it starts just below my eyes and goes way beyond the bottom of my stomach. And there is a wind that howls through it… at my lowest, lonliest, most hopeless times. We’re not talking an every day hum either. We’re talking a serious tornado style HOWLING that posesses my mind and body and it’s a mantra for the pain I’m feeling at the time. I’ve experienced the abyss more times than I care to admit. And I hate it EVERY TIME. Always when I think something is one way but I’m casually informed it’s another… and I’ve based a huge portion of my life on how I thought something was. The unearthing of the truth has a way of uprooting everything I knew to be true and stable in my world.

But I’ve never felt the abyss in a dream. I’ve always felt it in real life. So to feel this feeling … in somewhere so unreachable and surreal has me shaken. In the dream I reacted to the abyss the way I’ve always. This overextended, hot tear having, chest heaving, scream like your dying cry that lasts hours. All the while, each sob is powered by the realization of something else that you thought was true, being dismissed by reality. Each heave of your chest makes you just want to lay down and die cause you can’t take it anymore. Then all the questions: “What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I enough? Why did he lead me on? Why did he lie to me? What’s wrong with me that no one can stay in love with me? Why can’t I get this right. I don’t want to be alone forever. What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong?” Because it had to be my fault.

So I woke up in mid heave… still crying in the dream… and residue of those tears in real life. I took inventory of where I was… laying in bed next to my baby… quiet Sunday morning… came in late from a party last night, etc. And was scared / angry / paranoid to be back in this reality… where if something was happening… I still didn’t know.

Somehow my brow has unfurrowed and I might try to go back to bed now that I’ve vented it out and try not to take my dream of insecurity out on my real life.

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New Beginnings

New Beginnings

Tonight, my baby and I witnessed a couple’s new beginning. A pre-orchestrated Game Night that was held a friends house… so that during the perfectly timed game of Cranium (Turbo Edition) while sculpting a clue for his team to figure out, H sculpted a ring out of playdoh… his girlfriend correctly answered the clue… and he whipped her actual ring and said, “Will you marry me?” And she said yes and applause and “awwws” abounded. Max and I circled her for her first official picture in the KDC (Karat Danglers Club) and she started to cry. We held her and congratulated her and there was love all around. It was interesting to be on this side of it all. The “black actors” side. (I call it that because when my baby was planning to pop the question he had the whole world pretending that they didn’t know. So after it was all said and done, their little joke to each other was ‘black actors… gotta stick together’ a la Chappelle show). I was just excited for her and couldn’t wait for him to ask. And I’m praying on this one because he deserves happiness and I hope that’s what they both found.

On another note, I got to hang with AP for the first time in a while. We just talked and kicked the shit while my baby and his frat were playing UNO. I miss hanging with him. He’s always so busy, but it’s cool. At least we stay in touch. He’s one of those folks that you could pick up with months later and it’s all good. But I hate catching up on months worth of stuff. Not my style. Never has been.

T-minus 2 days and counting before I get my sidekick. And then the world will be mine…. *demonic laugh*

I’m exhausted… I need some sleep.

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Art

Art

There is something to be said for acknowledging that you have a gift that you’d share with others. Because it stops you from really being able to do much else but display that gift. A few times, that genius finds a hard time living in the same body as sanity and thusly… the prodigies that WIL’ OUT. Their gift is undeniable, but the balance has to be them acting a fool. It makes me appreciate the artists that manage to be amazing… and keep their heads on this earth. While driving around Bedford Stuyvesant today looking at possible houses with my baby, we turned up the corner of a half street to look at one. We over shot it by a few meters… so we started to back up. When we cleared a white SUV that was now in front of us… a young man crossed the street and motioned to me as if to say, “Did you want this spot? Cause I’m getting out.” What came through most in his motion was just the niceness of it. Cause really… New Yorkers can suck REALLY BAD sometimes. I smiled and waved no to him. And my baby says, “Isn’t that the Gza?” “Nooo, ” I said when I craned my neck forward to get a better look. “Oh wow… that IS him.” The Gza… my favorite member of the Wu Tang Clan (ain’t nuttin’ to fuck wit’) was calmly and casually getting into a white SUV… not terribly blinged out and maybe could have even used a wash, right there on a typical Brooklyn street. “I respect that,” my baby said. Yeah… so do I. I mean who knows what he was doing, really… but he was just as regular as the rest of us, but manages to wield his gift with agilty, somehow concoct poetry and prose with ghetto fabulous expressions of self. Witty, Unpredictable.

We’re having an Incredible night… meaning… he’s sleeping while I watch ALL the aspects of Discs one AND two of the Incredibles. *sigh* Typical Friday for the once socialest of butterflies. More waiting on what’s wrong with him. He went in for an MRI today. He’s on muscle relaxers and they’ve relaxed them all… even the one between his ears. So sleep is priority #1. I think I’ll join him.

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Gotta Get Up

Gotta Get Up

What does a lion tamer bring into the cage with him? A whip, a chair and a tranquilizer gun. Why the chair? Because when you hold up the chair, the lion tries to see and focus on all four legs at the same time, and that paralyzes the lion because he can’t focus.

The universe is a lion tamer and I’m the lioness, trapped in the cage, trying to take it all in. Life is giving me a serious run for my money as of late. We know the leg of family is one focus and the wrongs with that. The leg of work gets progressively worse. The leg of my love and future is starting down a new path that I wasn’t expecting. Something might be seriously wrong with my baby. I pray that he’s okay and not what he thinks it might be. He has a dr’s appointment today that I was supposed to skip work to go and try to be with him in case he gets bad news. But of course… the worsening of my work situation made it impossible for me to leave. One day I’ll be able to explain it all. But right now, my prayers are steadfast. There aren’t many choices for me to pray for. Just that he’s okay and whatever it is… that we make it through. Then of course the much neglected leg of self. So neglected… I can’t even list what’s wrong. and just the attempt to try to focus on it all, removes the focus from other 3. And I am paralyzed. Just waiting for something to happen. I hear the bellow of the wind over the horizon. It’s coming… I can see it. I just hope I’m ready.

I did NOT want to wake up this morning. For once, my bed was feeling so good to me. The warmth of the sheets against my skin… the quiet hum of my fan. It was perfect. I might have still been in it to now if it was possible. And that’s so unlike me.

But here I am. fighting the good fight. Every day promises to be a good one. And I guess if you are bold enough to live through it… it is.

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Lost Poetry

Lost Poetry

I’ve been clearing off my computer at work, for obvious reasons. And I stumbled across some poetry that i jotted down in notepad so that i wouldn’t lose the thoughts. I liked some of them, so i’ll post. I have no real dates and times when they were written, so i’ll note them with the date of when I found them. Lots of questions. Not half as many answers, it seems.

how do i?

how do I reposess the time
how do I close my eyes and find
the passage to you when it doesn’t exist.
how can I decide to die another death
when true living i only experience
in your other life
the one that no one sees
but one second in that world
purer and more precious than
those of this.
The wound i played in
one part pleasure and 2 parts agony
has gangreened and remits no sensation
making me believe that
i am this two dimensional
fictional
unidirectional character
divised for your pleasure
and my own demise.
how find myself grasping for
the gateway
the progression back to your heart
but it exists not
and neither do i.

10/23/2003 5:21PM


How Do You Know…
… when you’re falling out of love? are there signs? Or does it just hit you one day… like a stack of bricks to the temple…? How long do you wait to really be sure that it’s “out-of-love”-ness… and not just a bad day? How do you determine if the nerve endings are just sleeping and not dead… and that’s why you don’t TINGLE anymore when he touches you? How do you figure the difference between “love” and “newness”… the flutters of inexperience versus the butterfly wings of destiny? When and where do you find that line in the sand and cross over from lust to dedication? What are the measures of the wealth of the heart; Its units and degrees? How does one use these to calibrate their minds in preparedness for love? And more importantly… how does one know when this process is necessary? or not?

4/29/2002 7:18PM

more later…
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