Stress

Stress

poetry emphasis in poetry: the emphasis placed on a particular syllable or word as part of the rhythm of a poem or line music accent in music: the emphasis placed on a particular note as part of the rhythm of a piece of music, or a mark representing this physics force deforming a body: a force or system of forces exerted on a body and resulting in deformation or strain

I was comisserating with W that if there was a regular schedule for lovemaking in our lives, we as people would complain less. Less things would bother us. Because the emphasis would be on the love we make. The regular schedule being at least once a day… maybe in my case, twice. I would never complain. When that was the schedule, nothing really bugged me because I felt a harmony within myself and with the person I was with. Things didn’t seem so pressed because everything was centered where it mattered most: at home. The balance and harmony was there, where I would go to rest.

Lately I’ve been feeling truly shaken off of my foundation because home in most senses of the word as I know it, is not my sanctuary. Honestly at this time I have none. I’ve never felt so nomadic with my center before. I carry it with me everywhere because setting it down is futile. I’ll have to pick it right back up again. Work offers me no sanctuary (that’s for damned sure). My own home is more of a prison for me if anything and anywhere else is truly transient. I’m feeling this moreso tonight because somewhere I thought I might be at the forefront of a mind… I was an afterthought. And lately I’ve been that afterthought…. I guess cause I can be. Where am I gonna go, right? It’s days and times like this that made me wish that my decision was to just be alone and stay that way as a life decision. Because then, not having anywhere for my center or to set down my burdens and recoup would be a choice I made and thusly my own reality. Not a consequence of someone else’s decisions. So now the emphasis is on my lack of refuge. Where can I go for peace? Not even in my own mind.

And of course, Blogger made me mad enough swallow my own tongue just now because it destroyed my post when I attemped to save a few moments ago. I won’t even attempt to capture what I was writing moments ago. Nothing is adequate.

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Taste of my own medicine

Taste of my own medicine

I hate rejection. There is probably nothing I can’t stomach more in the world than it. Because, honestly, I’m not used to it. Luckily, the one thing my parents always instilled in me was that there was no “not getting what I wanted.” I could have ANYTHING — so long as I put my mind to it. ANYTHING AT ALL. It had nothing to do with who I was or what gender or what skin color or how tall or how fat or what my shoe size was… ANYTHING. I could have it. If I put the work behind it and made the right effort. And for the most part, it’s been true. I’ve become less focused in my older age, but if I want something, I’ll have it because I’ll make the right moves towards it. But today… I got rejected. And I wasn’t even really pursuing. I made a casual nudge towards the idea that I’d like something. Not even giving the full court press for it. And I got shut out. Mentally I stood outside of this proverbial door with my mouth agape as if to say “WHAAAAT?? You shut the door on ME???” Absurd. But… I dish it out all the time. Ruthlessly sometimes. Because the other side of knowing I can get what I want is that if someone else wants something that’s not in line with my own wants… they gets nothing. So I’m a habitual shut-em-downer. Stings when it’s reversed.

Umma have to suck that shit up. Revenge is sweet though.

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Fahhhbulous, Dahhling

Fahhhbulous, Dahhling

After spending the evening on Saturday setting up the wireless network in Max’s basement, she offered to treat me to brunch in the morning to show her gratitude. So I woke up Sunday morning at about 10 AM and leisurely got ready for a 1:00 meeting time for Deborahs… can’t get enough of that place. Their brunch is some itis inducing decadence. So it was Max, my brother and I and we sat and talked and ate and sipped on mimosas and ate some more. Afterwards, we went about walking through SoHo. I don’t remember it being soooooooo crowded. It was like… Times Square style crowded in there. Just completely suffucating. We would dart in and out of the stores based on our fancy. The fancy that had taken Max over was to get her feet out of the boots she decided to wear on this gloriously warm day in to some flip flops. We went to try on wedding bands that complemented our engagement rings; the search for fragrances that we’ve loved for so long. (There’s a new one to add to my life. Marc Jacobs Blush for women… which has embodied the scent of Jasmine that I am and always have been completely in love with… if it’s possible to be in love with the scent of something. So that’s next on my list). But my search for Narciso has ended today. I purchased the Eau de Toilette that had a travel one and 5 little refills that transport into it. I convinced myself at some point that the Eau de Toilette smelled somehow different than the Eau de Parfum that I luxuriously sprayed all over my cleavage and neck when the guy servicing me turned away. And it’s quite possible, but I’m sure I’ll get past it just that quick. I got my brother a bottle of Kenneth Cole Black which I was MUCH happier to buy him than the Drakkar Noir that I bought him yesterday. (Anything I can do to contribute to someone smelling him and thinking it’s good and coming closer to him and maybe getting to know and like him).

Then we went to Kate’s Paperie where Max took some time to look through her first invitation books for her self. She admitted to feeling a little overwhelmed by the entire experience, but I’m glad I was there. I held her hand a few times and we made it through. I’m so glad we have each other. After wards, my baby scooped us up from Starbucks, dropped me off at my office so that I could get some work done, took Max and Domi home and then came back to scoop me up about 2 hours later. We stopped at IHop (his choice… always his choice). Had a little dinner and now here I am.

A fabulous day spent shopping and spendng money and meandering through the streets of downtown. Now… if i can just get to a point where I’m able to do that ALWAYS…. hmmmmmmmm….

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