Unfamiliar territory

Unfamiliar territory

I had an interesting convo with my dad last night before I went to sleep. It went like this:

Daddy: Here is the phone, Kiki… I’m going to sleep.
Me: Okay daddy, rest well. See you tomorrow, God willing
Daddy: Aren’t you going to sleep soon?
Me: Me? I can’t sleep really anymore.
Daddy: What are you up doing?
Me: Working, really.
Daddy: Do you like your job?
Me: Not really.
Daddy: Well, you have to, don’t you?
Me: I hope not. I’m hoping to get out.
Daddy: Good luck with that, Kiki.
Me: Thanks… Pray for me. I know that you already do.
Daddy: Every day. I love you. Good night.

What’s significant about that conversation? First unsolicited, unforced “I love you” from my dad to me. Here I am at 30 marveling at that for the first time. I guess no matter how old you get… it can’t ever NOT feel fantastic. No matter what, that’s my daddy. And I’m most definitely his little girl. I remember him sitting at the piano playing the Wedding march and I would walk-step-together from the hallway by my room into the living room and we’d sit on the piano bench and day dream about the day that he’d walk me down the aisle. Closer today to that dream than ever. I just hope to not run out of time.

My baby, my brother, My sis, Tamara (our wedding planner) and I drove out to the watermill today to look at the place while they had a bridal expo. It was pretty cool. Of course, seeing it the second time brought up more doubts in my mind, but the food was off the chain. And I saw a LOT of floral arrangements that I really liked. I’ll post pics shortly.

Other than that, today was pretty quiet. Nothing super duper spectacular happening aside from breathing, blinking, moving and living, which in and of itself – pretty darned amazing. I referred to my baby as “my husband” to a total stranger. I smiled when the censor that used to slam down on my thought didn’t have to. “It’s okay to call him that… He’s GOING to be!!!” My heart leapt. It was an excellent feeling. He turned to me so many times tonight with this excited grin on his face and said, “Baby… we’re getting married!!” *sigh* I must have done something really amazing to deserve this. I hope I remember times like this when he’s driving me insane!!! *giggle*

I might turn in early tonight. No need to torture myself with silence.

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The Power of "Sorry"

The Power of “Sorry”

It’s a single word with just two syllables, but manages to placate the most ranging anger. I was sitting on the train today, just minding my business and focusing on the dullness of the sky… when this woman came on to the train. I was sitting on the corner / final seat of the row (which I like because the worst case is that I’ll only be smushed from one side if it gets crowded. She walked on to the train and made a sharp turn to sit in the empty seat next to me. In the process of sitting down and getting comfy… she kicked me in the ankle, turned around, looked me RIGHT in the eye and went about her business. Got dayumit. All she had to do was say “sorry”. Would have taken NO time at all and would have made me feel validated. She knew she kicked me, she was acknowledging it and also saying that she didn’t MEAN to hurt me. But by looking me right in the face and not saying a WORD to me means she just didn’t care how I felt about it. So I ended up sitting there, stewing mad at the rudeness of people. Until I fell asleep and just forgot about it… I’m not saying say “sorry” for everything. But if you’ve hurt someone… and really didn’t MEAN to… say something. *shrugs* off my soap box.

Bizarre

Bizarre

I had the strangest night. I didn’t get to bed till 3:30 AM working on my chapter’s directory until I couldn’t see straight anymore. And expected to be honked awake by my alarm at 7:30 as always. But I woke up so many times in between thinking my night of sleep was over. The night went on for EVER and I had Epic style storyline dreams (which I can’t remember nary a detail now… but they were quite extensive). At 6:30 AM, I opened the window, put my fan in and opened my bedroom door. Thinking to myself… I’ll force sleep through this last hour and then get up for work. I may even wake up early, I thought. Then, I opened my eyes and it was 8:30. And here I am… half dressed, blogging so I don’t forget and rushing to get to work. That’s life, ain’t it? Only when you think you don’t need it, you find time everywhere. And once found… squandered.

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Floating…

Floating…

On November 30th, I wrote:

“…If i isolate my esteem in this deprivation tank
how long might it take me to
hallucinate about what i think is happening
and will the process of reconvincing myself to “reality”
ultimately drive me insane
waking from this nightmare
strapped into restraints and
straddling the wall of reason
laying prone to fate
with circumstance prepping in line.
But i chose to test my threshold
when nothing else was wrong. “

And while the imagery maybe hard for others to extract, it’s so clear to me and honestly… I have to give my self the chance to admire my own writing – even if it only speaks to me. I spend so much time sweating everyone elses. I’m pretty damned good for someone who wasn’t “taught” to write. I’m proud of me.

I was thinking this morning… sometimes this world is just futile. From the time that we’re little kids, we’re taught that there’s “someone out there for us” and we have to “find them”. So from childhood, we look for these qualities in someone. As we grow and change, our tastes and experiences fine tune what we’re looking for and we narrow in on someone who comes “close”. Sometimes, we even marry that person. Make a life with them. Settle in and have a whole family. Get to know what each day is like WITH them in it. And then… inevitably… someone dies. And you have to reaquaint yourself with life without them. The thought scares me. I don’t really know a life “alone”. I’ve always had family and friends and loves. I can’t say that truly alone is anything I’ve ever been. And the thought of it down the line does scare me. Especially with someone like my baby. There really is NO replacing him. He is one of a kind… and unfortunately, that kind died out a long time ago. Morbid thoughts… 2 more of my Sorors lost their husband in the last month. And they’re all aged ladies who’d been married since they were in their 20′s. I can only imagine what they’re going through.

Floating because I’m between here and nowhere today. I got in to work super late today and was semi productive. And then it happened around 4:30… all things came to a head and suddenly 90 things were required of me post haste. And I was frazzled again. I hate feeling frazzled. But I worked through it. I’ll be getting out early tomorrow due to circumstances at work that I won’t get into, but that make me HORRIBLY uncomfortable. But… round about 3:00, I won’t have command of my computer so I was told by IT to “prepare to go home early”. Wonder if they’ll let me back into the building. After the harriedness of today, I went to dinner at Olive Garden with D. It was fun. We laughed and talked and drank (YAAAAAAAAAAAY FINALLY!!!) and then rode the train home and talked some more. It was good…we hadn’t hung like that in a while. I was buzzed when I was on the train, but I’m pretty straight and narrow now. Just chillin. Totally relaxin in my “more than a handful” M&M night-tee and feeling… tired actually. Maybe even… enough to go to sleep.

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Easter…

Easter

Oh yeah… it’s Easter. It’s such a shame I put it that way. But that’s really how it was for me this morning. An after thought. I have to find out if I’ll ever be “religious” again. I’m tremendously spiritual, but not to the point where I feel obligated to spending 3 hours walking in circles around the church re-enacting the way of the cross. But I do miss the community connection though. I wonder how different that would be for me now that I’m so keen to the hypocrisy… It stops me from enjoying anything purely anymore. I always think folks are up to something *sigh* I have trust issues.

Speaking of those, I had a long talk with my baby tonight. We unearthed a lot of things I’d been keeping from him as far as my feelings about him and the upcoming wedding and just everything that was on my mind. I find it astounding how understanding and patient that man is. It’s absolutely amazing. I remember praying for that quality in my husband. One day I was waiting for a bus to get going to take me and my chapter to a regional conference out in Atlantic City. The bus was delayed for an hour and a half. One soror’s husband waited outside the bus in his car for the bus to depart. I happened to be sitting next to her. She said, when I asked why he was waiting, “He has the patience of Job… I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but I love him for it… because I’m not like him.” This couple had to be married for 40 some odd years. And I closed my eyes and prayed my addendum to the list… “That too God… cause I HATE waiting. But I’ll wait for him to be ready for me.” And here he is. Patiently waiting for me to grow the fuck up. LMAO! He’s a saint. Truly. What did i do to deserve this? Because I’m told over and over again, that I do deserve him. Maybe one day I’ll understand.

Today, for me, symbolizes me being able to drink again and not feel bad about it WOO HOO!!! Lent is OVA!!! I had an “alcoholic” beverage at dinner with my baby tonight, but it was so NOT. More like a milkshake. And that was the one I got AFTER I sent back the margarita that was so watery and yuck that I couldn’t believe. I’ll have to make some kind of retribution for that this week. Maybe tomorrow if money permits. I’ll go get a little lifted. I would have had a little Vanilia tonight, but there’s too much going on in the bottle. Spirits within. So I’ll let it be. I think I can go 41 days *wink*. Today also means my baby goes back to yogurt. I hope he doesn’t hurt himself. I can just see him diving into a vat of it! LMAO! Ahh… the repercussions though… he’s not ready for them. I was just trying to help him anyways.

I marveled at my own body today. Just on some randomness… I was clearing off my bed… and I put my hands on my thighs and was just impressed with the thickness. I am the bomb My cousin commented that I’m visibly losing weight now. That’s so good to know, but I don’t think he’s ever seen me in a baby tee and some short shorts… All my clothing is billowy and concealing. So of course I look thinner. But I’ll take the compliment anyhow.

1:22… and I’m STILL not done with this ding danged directory. I’m exhausted. I’ll go for a little longer and then I’ll cave in.