Show Me

Show Me

“You word is love
but you push me away
and won’t say why
you
show me your exteriror
i need to see your interior
i need to be
absolutely clear with ya
if we are to ever
stand a chance
it’s the last dance
don’t you see…
show me the warrior you’re gonna be….”
- Jill Scott

We’ve all been there. It’s hard to express how you feel sometimes. Or hard to decipher what someone else is feeling. Mostly because they won’t say it. And even if they do… sometimes, it’s not altogether the truth… or even the pure feeling. Actions have ALWAYS spoken louder than words. But it seems to be the feat of life to get the two to be inline. We strive though. Sometimes, we can’t help our actions… and words are so easy to manipulate and make sound beautiful and flowery… and almost every single word has a secondary and tertiary meaning in the case that you needed to flip it around a little. Honesty and frankness are almost frowned upon in this world. It’s amazing to see how it’s only allowed in confessionals in churches and reality shows. And it amuses us to see someone else “secretly” tell millions of watchers about the “truth” they were feeling at the time something happened. It’s always interesting to observe their body language and actions in comparison to what they SAY was going on. Usually… not in sync. I try to be as honest about what I’m feeling in the confines of society. A few guy friends mentioned to me that I may too frank. Too blunt. And that my baby is real tough for hearing the things that fly out of my mouth sometimes. But I’ve asked him. And he prefers my bluntness. That’s good. I don’t ever want to find out how to make my actions and words to unbalance.

I did just tell my baby that I was gonna start packing… and here I am. LMAO!!
*getting to packing*

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Floundering

Yep… it’s 9:06… and i’m sitting here in my towel… not motivated to do ANYTHING. Dunno what to wear to work today… Dunno exactly how my day is going to go because I have SO much to do. Can’t wait to get on that plane, though. I need a vacation. Just mad that auntie’s joining us. Bitch. She KNOWS how to ruin a good thing. LMAO!!! Can’t let her stop me though. I’m seriously wishing that I’d get paid on Thursdays. This Friday shit is a drag. I need to beautify BEFORE I head to ATL. But it seems I’ll have to get down with it when I get there.

Teeshirt, jeans and sneakers are feeling alright with me right now. But cute… not frumpy. I can’t ever fall back into that again.

I’m procrastinating. I have shit to do.

Thank you to the AnonAngel that is praying for me. I need ALL the help I can get! Blogs rule!

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Pontificate…

Pontificate

I spent all day dreaming of the past; wandering through sections of my mind that had been closed for renovations. I checked in on the process. And, as with all contractors, progress is slow, but steady. Of course all that is required is the right amount of will and all things should go as scheduled. If I could just stick to gameplans better, I’d probably be a more stable, well adjusted human being. “It’s the excitement of the danger,” Lina said sighing into the phone as she interrogated me about my feelings for my baby. “I can’t be with a stable guy. Lou is great and he’s stable and he’s dependable and he’s BORING.” I did a mental glance back to my same self sitting at this computer a few years ago… typing about the joys of drama. We LOVE it. It’s exciting. It feels necessary to our full experience of life. “Giacometti was once run down by a car, and he recalled falling into a lucid faint, a sudden exhilaration as he realized that at last, something was happening to him.” Seems that we are able to best feel alive through the possibility of pain. But… we out grow that in time.

I looked back on my previous relationships and my patterns in life, in general. Today Jean called me back and I thought about my post from earlier. Was I still gonna go through with it? Is he now persona non grata? How have I progressed through these relationships. I never stay long in the most painful ones. I learned to stop torturing myself after Lui. There’s NEVER a need to stay hurt all the time. But… like all my mechanisms… I cringe at the first sight of prolonged pain and I remove myself from the situation. I play the scenario out in my head and WHILE I STILL HAVE A CHOICE… I run. I do the same thing on the train. If the car pulls in and it’s empty while all others are packed… I look for the reason. once found, I’m on the next car. Some people stay an eternity in bad situations. I don’t have an eternity to spare. I only need a taste of hurt to know that I’ll remember it forever.

Predictability and stability, on the other hand don’t yield pain, per se. More… boredom. Which isn’t painful or life threatening… and you can ALWAYS do something about it. Or do something else. But how amazing is it, when that which we thought was predictable suddenly up and becomes exciting? I’m learning things about this man that I’m going to marry that you’d've thought I knew by now. And he’s ever changing. Everyone is. If you give them a chance, they’ll become something new and different. Whether or not you like it remains to be seen. But I like what I’m seeing.

It’s late… and I have to pack tomorrow. I’ve set up some things in ATL that should be fun to do in lieu of the pre-existing fun that SHOULD HAVE ALREADY BEEN SET UP *gets red in the face* But I’ll see some old friends and that, in and of itself, will be good.

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