Paradigm

Paradigm

Twice on the conversation, I referred to it as the “funeral”. Yeah… when we get there on Friday for T’s Funeral… I mean… Wedding. I’d shake my head in shame and disgust. Shame because I should NEVER wish any negativity on anyone’s union. Disgust, because it’s so not like me to NOT voice my concern and disdain in a situation. Maybe my mind thinks it’s a funeral because I’m going to pay my last respects to the woman I knew. The one I fell in love with and called sister like no other sister I’d ever had. She’s gone now, from what I understand. And maybe never to return. She’s gone on to the Lord, and that’s noble and wonderful. I just worry. I would ALWAYS want to know. If a close friend that I trusted said to me, “I think you’re making a mistake. And I’m only telling you because I love you…” I would totally respect that person for being so brave. But I’ve been told that voicing my discontent could get me “disowned” – un-invited to the wedding and cast out of her life. But… aren’t I already? I never hear from her anymore. I don’t even KNOW this woman. This bible-weilding-verse-quoting-holy-hand-of-God-waving-damnation-announcing evangelist lives in the body of my line sister, where someone who enjoyed the life we’ve been given once did. I’d NEVER hate on her walk. But something about it feels so wrong. If it didn’t sit wrong in my heart, I wouldn’t even fret about it. But … it sits wrong. Totally wrong. I need to pray more.

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Attitude

Attitude

Woke up this morning feeling especially young. Pretty. Alive. Excited about the day to come. The forecast had been calling for today’s weather to be the best of the week… And now here it is. Brilliantly sunny, the perfect amount of wind and the right attitude when I rolled out of bed. I almost wore my leather miniskirt today but a voice inside said, “Don’t hurt ‘em, Vic… Not yet.” Before a certain time of year, men can’t compose themselves at the sight of bare skin. Especailly the legs. And not to toot my own horn, but I’ve got more than the average walking sticks. So exposing them now before we’ve had four or five straight days of warmth would be too much. I’ll hold off… It’ll be worth it.

Most importantly, I woke up on time and rested. Mom even commented that I didn’t need the second and third wake up calls today. I went to sleep an hour earlier than normal and it made a huge difference.

Looks like i have another cut off to make. Some people just don’t belong in your life after a certain time. Usually that time for me comes definitivley after I find myself having to chase them down in order to maintain our friendhip. I have serious reciprocation issues. I guess I take the whole “do unto others” thing a little far. But… If the only times we speak to or see each other is a direct result of me hounding or calling after you… Our time is limited. I can only deal with so much of that before I call it quits. My heart tries to give certain people tenure: “Well, such and such has been a friend for over x amount of years… Don’t u think you should reconsider?” No. Not really. All relationships, friendships included, are about maintenance and understanding. If you’d been my friend for x amt of years, then you know very well what it takes to maintain our friendshhip. And ignoring, disregarding, not giving a rats ass about my feelings or me (or displaying like behavior), says to me… This isn’t a friendship anymore. It’s a convenience. Its a shame though. He was my oldest friend.

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