Floating…

Floating…

On November 30th, I wrote:

“…If i isolate my esteem in this deprivation tank
how long might it take me to
hallucinate about what i think is happening
and will the process of reconvincing myself to “reality”
ultimately drive me insane
waking from this nightmare
strapped into restraints and
straddling the wall of reason
laying prone to fate
with circumstance prepping in line.
But i chose to test my threshold
when nothing else was wrong. “

And while the imagery maybe hard for others to extract, it’s so clear to me and honestly… I have to give my self the chance to admire my own writing – even if it only speaks to me. I spend so much time sweating everyone elses. I’m pretty damned good for someone who wasn’t “taught” to write. I’m proud of me.

I was thinking this morning… sometimes this world is just futile. From the time that we’re little kids, we’re taught that there’s “someone out there for us” and we have to “find them”. So from childhood, we look for these qualities in someone. As we grow and change, our tastes and experiences fine tune what we’re looking for and we narrow in on someone who comes “close”. Sometimes, we even marry that person. Make a life with them. Settle in and have a whole family. Get to know what each day is like WITH them in it. And then… inevitably… someone dies. And you have to reaquaint yourself with life without them. The thought scares me. I don’t really know a life “alone”. I’ve always had family and friends and loves. I can’t say that truly alone is anything I’ve ever been. And the thought of it down the line does scare me. Especially with someone like my baby. There really is NO replacing him. He is one of a kind… and unfortunately, that kind died out a long time ago. Morbid thoughts… 2 more of my Sorors lost their husband in the last month. And they’re all aged ladies who’d been married since they were in their 20′s. I can only imagine what they’re going through.

Floating because I’m between here and nowhere today. I got in to work super late today and was semi productive. And then it happened around 4:30… all things came to a head and suddenly 90 things were required of me post haste. And I was frazzled again. I hate feeling frazzled. But I worked through it. I’ll be getting out early tomorrow due to circumstances at work that I won’t get into, but that make me HORRIBLY uncomfortable. But… round about 3:00, I won’t have command of my computer so I was told by IT to “prepare to go home early”. Wonder if they’ll let me back into the building. After the harriedness of today, I went to dinner at Olive Garden with D. It was fun. We laughed and talked and drank (YAAAAAAAAAAAY FINALLY!!!) and then rode the train home and talked some more. It was good…we hadn’t hung like that in a while. I was buzzed when I was on the train, but I’m pretty straight and narrow now. Just chillin. Totally relaxin in my “more than a handful” M&M night-tee and feeling… tired actually. Maybe even… enough to go to sleep.

*

Easter…

Easter

Oh yeah… it’s Easter. It’s such a shame I put it that way. But that’s really how it was for me this morning. An after thought. I have to find out if I’ll ever be “religious” again. I’m tremendously spiritual, but not to the point where I feel obligated to spending 3 hours walking in circles around the church re-enacting the way of the cross. But I do miss the community connection though. I wonder how different that would be for me now that I’m so keen to the hypocrisy… It stops me from enjoying anything purely anymore. I always think folks are up to something *sigh* I have trust issues.

Speaking of those, I had a long talk with my baby tonight. We unearthed a lot of things I’d been keeping from him as far as my feelings about him and the upcoming wedding and just everything that was on my mind. I find it astounding how understanding and patient that man is. It’s absolutely amazing. I remember praying for that quality in my husband. One day I was waiting for a bus to get going to take me and my chapter to a regional conference out in Atlantic City. The bus was delayed for an hour and a half. One soror’s husband waited outside the bus in his car for the bus to depart. I happened to be sitting next to her. She said, when I asked why he was waiting, “He has the patience of Job… I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but I love him for it… because I’m not like him.” This couple had to be married for 40 some odd years. And I closed my eyes and prayed my addendum to the list… “That too God… cause I HATE waiting. But I’ll wait for him to be ready for me.” And here he is. Patiently waiting for me to grow the fuck up. LMAO! He’s a saint. Truly. What did i do to deserve this? Because I’m told over and over again, that I do deserve him. Maybe one day I’ll understand.

Today, for me, symbolizes me being able to drink again and not feel bad about it WOO HOO!!! Lent is OVA!!! I had an “alcoholic” beverage at dinner with my baby tonight, but it was so NOT. More like a milkshake. And that was the one I got AFTER I sent back the margarita that was so watery and yuck that I couldn’t believe. I’ll have to make some kind of retribution for that this week. Maybe tomorrow if money permits. I’ll go get a little lifted. I would have had a little Vanilia tonight, but there’s too much going on in the bottle. Spirits within. So I’ll let it be. I think I can go 41 days *wink*. Today also means my baby goes back to yogurt. I hope he doesn’t hurt himself. I can just see him diving into a vat of it! LMAO! Ahh… the repercussions though… he’s not ready for them. I was just trying to help him anyways.

I marveled at my own body today. Just on some randomness… I was clearing off my bed… and I put my hands on my thighs and was just impressed with the thickness. I am the bomb My cousin commented that I’m visibly losing weight now. That’s so good to know, but I don’t think he’s ever seen me in a baby tee and some short shorts… All my clothing is billowy and concealing. So of course I look thinner. But I’ll take the compliment anyhow.

1:22… and I’m STILL not done with this ding danged directory. I’m exhausted. I’ll go for a little longer and then I’ll cave in.