Show Me

Show Me

“You word is love
but you push me away
and won’t say why
you
show me your exteriror
i need to see your interior
i need to be
absolutely clear with ya
if we are to ever
stand a chance
it’s the last dance
don’t you see…
show me the warrior you’re gonna be….”
- Jill Scott

We’ve all been there. It’s hard to express how you feel sometimes. Or hard to decipher what someone else is feeling. Mostly because they won’t say it. And even if they do… sometimes, it’s not altogether the truth… or even the pure feeling. Actions have ALWAYS spoken louder than words. But it seems to be the feat of life to get the two to be inline. We strive though. Sometimes, we can’t help our actions… and words are so easy to manipulate and make sound beautiful and flowery… and almost every single word has a secondary and tertiary meaning in the case that you needed to flip it around a little. Honesty and frankness are almost frowned upon in this world. It’s amazing to see how it’s only allowed in confessionals in churches and reality shows. And it amuses us to see someone else “secretly” tell millions of watchers about the “truth” they were feeling at the time something happened. It’s always interesting to observe their body language and actions in comparison to what they SAY was going on. Usually… not in sync. I try to be as honest about what I’m feeling in the confines of society. A few guy friends mentioned to me that I may too frank. Too blunt. And that my baby is real tough for hearing the things that fly out of my mouth sometimes. But I’ve asked him. And he prefers my bluntness. That’s good. I don’t ever want to find out how to make my actions and words to unbalance.

I did just tell my baby that I was gonna start packing… and here I am. LMAO!!
*getting to packing*

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Floundering

Yep… it’s 9:06… and i’m sitting here in my towel… not motivated to do ANYTHING. Dunno what to wear to work today… Dunno exactly how my day is going to go because I have SO much to do. Can’t wait to get on that plane, though. I need a vacation. Just mad that auntie’s joining us. Bitch. She KNOWS how to ruin a good thing. LMAO!!! Can’t let her stop me though. I’m seriously wishing that I’d get paid on Thursdays. This Friday shit is a drag. I need to beautify BEFORE I head to ATL. But it seems I’ll have to get down with it when I get there.

Teeshirt, jeans and sneakers are feeling alright with me right now. But cute… not frumpy. I can’t ever fall back into that again.

I’m procrastinating. I have shit to do.

Thank you to the AnonAngel that is praying for me. I need ALL the help I can get! Blogs rule!

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Pontificate…

Pontificate

I spent all day dreaming of the past; wandering through sections of my mind that had been closed for renovations. I checked in on the process. And, as with all contractors, progress is slow, but steady. Of course all that is required is the right amount of will and all things should go as scheduled. If I could just stick to gameplans better, I’d probably be a more stable, well adjusted human being. “It’s the excitement of the danger,” Lina said sighing into the phone as she interrogated me about my feelings for my baby. “I can’t be with a stable guy. Lou is great and he’s stable and he’s dependable and he’s BORING.” I did a mental glance back to my same self sitting at this computer a few years ago… typing about the joys of drama. We LOVE it. It’s exciting. It feels necessary to our full experience of life. “Giacometti was once run down by a car, and he recalled falling into a lucid faint, a sudden exhilaration as he realized that at last, something was happening to him.” Seems that we are able to best feel alive through the possibility of pain. But… we out grow that in time.

I looked back on my previous relationships and my patterns in life, in general. Today Jean called me back and I thought about my post from earlier. Was I still gonna go through with it? Is he now persona non grata? How have I progressed through these relationships. I never stay long in the most painful ones. I learned to stop torturing myself after Lui. There’s NEVER a need to stay hurt all the time. But… like all my mechanisms… I cringe at the first sight of prolonged pain and I remove myself from the situation. I play the scenario out in my head and WHILE I STILL HAVE A CHOICE… I run. I do the same thing on the train. If the car pulls in and it’s empty while all others are packed… I look for the reason. once found, I’m on the next car. Some people stay an eternity in bad situations. I don’t have an eternity to spare. I only need a taste of hurt to know that I’ll remember it forever.

Predictability and stability, on the other hand don’t yield pain, per se. More… boredom. Which isn’t painful or life threatening… and you can ALWAYS do something about it. Or do something else. But how amazing is it, when that which we thought was predictable suddenly up and becomes exciting? I’m learning things about this man that I’m going to marry that you’d've thought I knew by now. And he’s ever changing. Everyone is. If you give them a chance, they’ll become something new and different. Whether or not you like it remains to be seen. But I like what I’m seeing.

It’s late… and I have to pack tomorrow. I’ve set up some things in ATL that should be fun to do in lieu of the pre-existing fun that SHOULD HAVE ALREADY BEEN SET UP *gets red in the face* But I’ll see some old friends and that, in and of itself, will be good.

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Paradigm

Paradigm

Twice on the conversation, I referred to it as the “funeral”. Yeah… when we get there on Friday for T’s Funeral… I mean… Wedding. I’d shake my head in shame and disgust. Shame because I should NEVER wish any negativity on anyone’s union. Disgust, because it’s so not like me to NOT voice my concern and disdain in a situation. Maybe my mind thinks it’s a funeral because I’m going to pay my last respects to the woman I knew. The one I fell in love with and called sister like no other sister I’d ever had. She’s gone now, from what I understand. And maybe never to return. She’s gone on to the Lord, and that’s noble and wonderful. I just worry. I would ALWAYS want to know. If a close friend that I trusted said to me, “I think you’re making a mistake. And I’m only telling you because I love you…” I would totally respect that person for being so brave. But I’ve been told that voicing my discontent could get me “disowned” – un-invited to the wedding and cast out of her life. But… aren’t I already? I never hear from her anymore. I don’t even KNOW this woman. This bible-weilding-verse-quoting-holy-hand-of-God-waving-damnation-announcing evangelist lives in the body of my line sister, where someone who enjoyed the life we’ve been given once did. I’d NEVER hate on her walk. But something about it feels so wrong. If it didn’t sit wrong in my heart, I wouldn’t even fret about it. But … it sits wrong. Totally wrong. I need to pray more.

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Attitude

Attitude

Woke up this morning feeling especially young. Pretty. Alive. Excited about the day to come. The forecast had been calling for today’s weather to be the best of the week… And now here it is. Brilliantly sunny, the perfect amount of wind and the right attitude when I rolled out of bed. I almost wore my leather miniskirt today but a voice inside said, “Don’t hurt ‘em, Vic… Not yet.” Before a certain time of year, men can’t compose themselves at the sight of bare skin. Especailly the legs. And not to toot my own horn, but I’ve got more than the average walking sticks. So exposing them now before we’ve had four or five straight days of warmth would be too much. I’ll hold off… It’ll be worth it.

Most importantly, I woke up on time and rested. Mom even commented that I didn’t need the second and third wake up calls today. I went to sleep an hour earlier than normal and it made a huge difference.

Looks like i have another cut off to make. Some people just don’t belong in your life after a certain time. Usually that time for me comes definitivley after I find myself having to chase them down in order to maintain our friendhip. I have serious reciprocation issues. I guess I take the whole “do unto others” thing a little far. But… If the only times we speak to or see each other is a direct result of me hounding or calling after you… Our time is limited. I can only deal with so much of that before I call it quits. My heart tries to give certain people tenure: “Well, such and such has been a friend for over x amount of years… Don’t u think you should reconsider?” No. Not really. All relationships, friendships included, are about maintenance and understanding. If you’d been my friend for x amt of years, then you know very well what it takes to maintain our friendshhip. And ignoring, disregarding, not giving a rats ass about my feelings or me (or displaying like behavior), says to me… This isn’t a friendship anymore. It’s a convenience. Its a shame though. He was my oldest friend.

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