Caught

Caught

Today’s work load was a bit quieter and lighter than normal. Has to be attributed to the lack of folks milling around in the office. I was grateful for it though. I guess I had little butterflies in my stomach because tonight, my baby and I went to take our Engagment Photos at Rockefeller Center together It was UNBELIEVABLY COLD out there. Even I have to say it. But it was a clear crisp night and my baby and I were there to take pictures and celebrate the fact that we’re getting married. We took pictures with the tree as our backdrop, by the Angels, with the Sax 5th Avenue Snowflakes behind us and with the Toy soldiers behind us. Our photog Robert Munroe, was TERRIBLY PATIENT. As his fingers numbed from the cold taking shots of us, he was accomodating. I hope they come out great. I’m all anxious to see what they look like I hope I don’t become a pest in asking him every five seconds.

After the shoot my baby and I took a quick train together, he headed home and I headed over to check Blink and retrieve my notebook and the Sizzurp tee that he had snatched up for me. I wasted a good hour there, just not wanting to go home yet. It was “too early” for me to be home. So I sat around his office reading various promotional books copies they had sent to him for evaluation. Not one of them peaked my interest all that much. We thought we were gonna head to have a quick bite, but he did admit that work was overwhelming him. So I scooted my butt on outta there and got on the train.

When it came above ground, I got a message from my baby that he had gotten “lifted” which is my vocab could mean ANYTHING – got high… got kidnapped… got a compliment… Who knows??? So I called him back. Turns out his wallet had gotten lifted by a pick pocket. And mostly everyone’s question is… WHO GETS PICKPOCKETED anymore? Well, my baby did. And he was handling it really well. I’m proud of him. He’s taking tomorrow off to go through the rigamoro of having to cancel things and re issue stuff that was in there. I’m so sad that he has to go through all of tha bureaucracy. But who knows what this may mean. Could be a blessing in disguise.

With… it’s time to hit the hay. I’m feeling a little under the weahter…

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Leisure

Leisure

There was absolutely NOTHING to today, and I loved it that way. My baby and I just laid around and watched TV and it was glorious. We didn’t have to rush anywhere or be at any function. It was just he and I and the bed and the tv. We barely spoke any words to each other. Just basking in the quietness of our company. He’s a pretty cool guy. I think the whole living my life with him thing is gonna work out pretty nice. I told him about the Incredibles. He seemed a little sad. But I think if we go see it together, we’ll be fine. I hate to disappoint him. He’s such a good friend (above all else).

And now I’m home and want to get ready to go to bed. I’m tired and I have a feeling that this week is gonna be something else. I think the smoke from Macanudos did a job on my throat. It is R-A-W. *sigh* I just hope that this feeling fades away.

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Dance, Ya Know it!

Dance, Ya Know it!

Today was filled with entertainment. Firstly i got the opportunity to hang with Max ALL DAY. I thought I would bore her to death, but somehow I managed not to.

First orde of the day was to attend the 2:00 PM Matinee of Alvin Ailey Dance Theater, which has always managed to put me in more of a Christmassy mood than I was before I walked into the spot. Considering I’m struggling with the Christmassy feeling AT ALL this year, anything would be a boost. We got our seats and began observing. While the nimble bodies floated across the stage, I felt a familiar yearning in my heart. I remembered when I was a little kid, after watching ballet performances on PBS, I’d dance around the house for HOURS. How I used to sit and “choreograph” my own music videos in the mirror in my mom’s room to various scores. And I’d sit on the floor and practice stretches that I had seen dancers perform on TV. I remembered being 5, and driven to Jamaica Avenue to a huge buidling (or its eems huge at the time) with my God Sister, Ramona, and she would get in her tights and go to the dance hall and practice her Ballet… while I sat in a little cubicle with a piano and a fairly nasty Piano teacher. I’d whine all the way home… why can’t I take dance with Ramona??? Of course I wasn’t allowed or afforded any response, because piano was what they were gonna give me and I’d better like it. *sigh*

The first performance was standard Ailey fare… supplied with music by Duke Ellington. Very jazzy… very playful. I enjoyed it. But the next performance… I can’t even put into words. The name of the piece was “Caught”. They warned us that they’d be using strobelights for that particular piece. It was a one man piece and at first he danced from spotlight to spotlight. Every digit of his body was perfectly trained to move on it own and he rippled them with a control like I’d not seen in a long time. His movents were direct and almost… alien. Some life force had possessed his human form and was moving it about… testing the range of motion. It was odd, accopanied with a strained synthesized violin-like score. Then the strobe lights started to flash and chop his motion into glimpses… To the point where, it almost looked like at times… he was flying across the stage. Completely suspended in the air. The crowd was WILD with excitement about his performance. Max said it best: It’s good that it was as long as it was (which was short). We loved it just enough and his body gave just enough. Any longer and it would have been too much. I found myself wanting more of it. I decided that I really want to pursue dance anyways. Yes… at my old age (as far as dance is concerned — all old and crickety, I want to plie and pirouette and jette and all that stuff. It’s a long road. I have to start with just plain old physical fitness. And I will. I’ll start researching. I’m a little giddy about it.

Then after that we walked across town (damned near) and had dinner at Houston’s. Which was delicious as always, even though for me it seemed that it was bit of a money waster. I didn’t eat anything in its entirety. I kept leaving half of it undone (except that spinach dip… which if I have anything to say about it… will NEVER go unfinished LMAO!) We just talked and sipped our wine and I appreciated her friendship. Max has grown up in a lot of ways and I admire that about her. She’s managed to be unabashedly herself while still stretching the confines of her personality. That takes finesse.

After which we went walking a little and talking some more before hopping into a cab to get to a movie theater where we saw The Incredibles, which was REALLY GOOD! Not often do I cheer out loud at a movie theater. But I couldn’t help it with this movie. It was very well done – enough to entertain the little kids in the theater and to bring out the little kids in all the grown ups that were there. I felt bad that I didn’t wait for my baby and I to go see it, but I felt like, we were waitng so long to reignite our Date Nights, I didn’t want it to be out of theaters. I’ll tell him… I feel bad though. It was a great movie. I hope he lets me go with him.

After the movie we were off to Club Macanudos, for the Phirm Family party. It was okay. Significantly less Phirm Fam members than I’m used to. But festive none the less. We left out of there and my BRA wreaked of cigars. It was pretty gross. And my baby just packed up all my clothing and stuck it in a laundry bag and put it outside in the hallway. *sigh* I can’t blame him. I guess I’ll mosey off to bed. He’s there waiting for me

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Unreal

Unreal

My mind, in an attempt to deal with the various things going on in my life, has created layers of reality for me to live in. Some things are in layers closer to the percieved reality of the world. Others are in this peripherial layer that exists more in my mind than in the world. As a result… I’m pretty confused about what to believe. I stare at somethings and try to figure out what layer they belong in. This ring is unreal. I’ve stared at it till I know it’s every shape and curve and glint and imperfection. If I ever had to pick it out of a line up…I would NEVER be mistaken as to which one was mine. But it fits in so many realms of reality for me… symbolically what it means… literally what it’s worth… what it is the harbinger of… I’m still trying to grasp all that it means. You would think I’ve been waiting all my life for this to happen to me just this way. I would have been totally ready to accept it when it go here. Funny how life is.

My feelings are unreal. It’s amazing how they have an entire evolution process of their own… and all I can do is observe what they’re doing and open myself to feeling them. It’s so scary because i see them evolving in directions for things that I’d rather not feel anything for. But those feelings develop and subject me to the consequences. How much of their evolution is my own doing? How much of it is circumstance and situations around me that affect me to feel a certain way? For instance the whole “non-designer” commentary that hovers over my head at work. My emotions have developped an entire culture around how live now, in response to that commentary. They did a serious mind job. To the point where I sit at my desk and before I every create anything, my first thought is – “It sucks… already… because you’re not a real designer.”

There are more things that have developped their own layers of reality in my mind. I’m wondering if that’s healthy at all… should I be attempting to smush everything back down into one layer? Or just hope that I make sense of all of these dimensions?

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My response to Max’s Post today

My response to Max’s Post today

So I read Max’s Post today and I tried to post all of this in that space… but it wouldn’t fit… so I put it here:

Max:

I still say you should sue. That’s emotional damage. Shit… I wanna sue because I was sitting here losing it just as well. But you know what’s good about going through that… YOU MUST go through with the things you said you’d do. Put your house in order with the will and estate. Go ahead and start working out if you feel like that gives you some leverage. Don’t feel like you’re in an emergency state where your body is a terrorist and can “turn” on you. That’s no way to live.

I remember sitting there in that emergency room after my Dr’s PA (I hate PA’s) told me that I had some kind of infection in the back of my throat that was going to swell and cut off my airway and I would choke to death. I remember laying there on the gurnie in the emergency area being so scared that I started to cry a little… this woman was laying next to me who was having internal bleeding from a botched hysterectomy saw me crying. She was Haitian and she spoke to me in Creole and said “I don’t know if you speak my language… but I am praying for you and I’m optimistic about both of us. God will take care of us both.” I get chills thinking about it… because that was really God coming to comfort me. It was unreal. Of course the Dr was like… Ummm gargle with some salt water. You’re fine. *sigh* some folks have NO bedside manner.

It almost never turns out the way you think it will Cause God’s got it. As long as you help your self… She’ll always help you.

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