UN

UN

He was the gift that made a piece of my present bearable.

Days laden with mediocrity, he gave me something to think about someone to talk to where before deafening silence reigned and drove me to the insanity of insominia. Even there he kept me company into the wee hours of inevitable exhaustion. With no rehearsal my response always matched his call and in a world of strangers, i finally met someone from back home. And he reminded me that there we’re beautiful in any shape so long as we laugh and said what was on on our mind, and didn’t take ourselves or others too seriously. I guess that had been lost in translation on arrival. And living his present once makes me never want to come again… because it would never be as much fun.

4tress

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Aurally Fixated

Aurally Fixated

“Misfortune comes from one’s mouth and ruins him, but fortune comes from one’s mind and makes him worthy of respect.” – Bhuddist Saying

I remember learning in psychology class in High School that there is a stage in growth and development as an infant when you experience the world through your mouth. Everything new goes in your mouth to understand it… it’s texture, it’s taste, whether it’s good or whether it’s bad… and you make your evaluation of it through the sensations in your mouth. As we grow and progress past this stage, we’re able to experience the world through other medium like sight, touch, smells…etc. But some people stay caught in that one stage. Where they depend on their mouth to provide them the experience for their lives. Others get caught in a stage where they depend on OTHER people’s mouths to validate the lives around them. Things that come out of other folks’ mouths make the determination of what they are feeling, thinking, doing and reacting to the things around them.

I’m beginning to realize that I am fixated at this stage. The things that people say affect me way to much for me to ever be comfortable listening to everyone. Over the course of this VERY short week, I’ve taken on 5 new “bosses”; all who are convinced that they can tell me how to do my job and where they think I can improve. Which makes me insane. Funny thing is, only ONE of them is qualified to tell me how to improve. The rest of them are just Pedastal Picassos who if I sat them at the desk and told them to do it better, they’d wonder how to turn on the gotdayumed computer. Then I have acquaintances who feel like they can say just about anything to me. Which is fine. I always want people to feel like they can just speak their minds to me. It’s the whole purpose to me being a friend at all. However, when the words that fly out of their mouths are indirectly pointed at me and cause injury…(whether intentional or accidental)…there is only so much of it I can handle before it’s too much to bear. Everyone has sensitivities. I don’t care HOW hard core you are. And a good friend…. a real friend knows where to tread with you… and understands that the breach of that should be under the most dire of circumstance. Others… don’t understand that.

What’s the remedy for me? Just stop being social? Quit my job? Move to bubblefuck and become a hermit? I can’t do any of these things in all conscience. But the feeling just wells up and I feel like not being around anyone. Beyond my ego… my esteem has been vandalized in the last 3 days. *sigh* I gotta heal.

On the SUPER bright side, my two Line sisters: T and Vernie got engaged (not to each other!!!) between Last Thursday and last night!!! I’m so overjoyed! We are all officially card carrying (and carat carrying) members of the Karat Danglers Club! I’m excited. Who’d've thunk we’d all be in the same boat at the same time. Exciting!!!!!!

You know when I have to blog from work, it’s only because my heart is too heavy to continue carrying through the day. But I do feel better fleshing out my thoughts here. I hope to be back later after subsequent mental whippings.

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Not A Good Day

Not A Good Day

Today, I have been properly reintroduced to and very reacquainted with the meaning of a bad day. It’s been a long time since I had a REALLY bad one. But this one… is a chart topper. The kind that makes me want to go back to drinking and smoking heavily. The bad day really started last night. I went to sleep in a horrible mental frenzy (plus I had had one too many…and I’m not used to that anymore). So I went through a tortured night trying to sift through what was reality and what was conjured up in my own head. I find that I’m still doing that today in my fully awake state of mind and I’m not getting to too much clarity still. I woke up on the borderline of hangover / nauseous / sad and dragged myself (for the first time in weeks) through the morning routine. I caught a glimpse of myself on the way out of the door and I saw her again. She’s back. Hair pulled back. Baggy jeans… teeshirt… sneakers. I rationalized it as needing to rush and be comfortable. It’s only for today. I need to stick to that. Train ride was a blur… and I stumbled into the office and was met with conflict.

My manager got it into her head that suddenly I wasn’t doing my job. Even though, up until this past event that we had, I was doing all my duties and then some. Abovev and beyond. But I guess what I did for the last event didn’t reach the pinnacle and so I was reamed for it… and for once I snapped back, because I just wasn’t in the mood. Then I went through the process of having to “relaunch” one of our websites for monday… straight busting my ass to get it done… ONLY TO BE TOLD IT WON’T LAUNCH FOR MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sigh* I have been screaming at everyone today. I’ve had a constant headache. A constant tummy ache. And biting heartache for having to go through any of this today. I needed today to go smoother. And give me a break from the void. No such luck. When it rains it pours.

The only thing I’m looking forward to at all is getting to be with my baby tonight. He said he’d come rescue me from all the craziness. I hope he holds true. I could use a little Superman saving right now. I’m falling and fast.

It MUST get better from here.

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Chimera

Chimera

I haven’t been posting lately. My mind has been preoccupied in items of fantasy that have eaten up all of my “real” time. But I believe that I’m back now. Problem with living in a dream, even if it’s for a short time… there’s a period of coming to terms with the fact that the reality you left is the truth and you have to kind of re-adjust to it. As unreal as whatever the fantasy was… the realness of the company i felt. The realness of the banter… i felt. The realness of my past life and who I was once…I felt: Funny. Pretty. Sassy. Entertaining. Loveable. Full of Potential in all arenas. Desirable. Needed. Being jolted to present day is sad. But that’s life and it should be expected to be jolted every now and again when you allow yourself to stray from its fact. The reality is that I live life a little lonlier than I care to admit most of the time. Most of the thoughts in my mind would never make it onto this blog and maybe not even be whispered in the ears of confidants. In that, I find my mother’s personality growing inside me and it’s scary… because she’s so alone and so isolated. I can’t end up that way.

But my reality isn’t all that bleak. I’m terribly dramatic sometimes. I have to come to terms with the idea that living my life in a little bubble is mostly my doing. And I have to be okay with that. The events in my life are not bad at all. Considering recent developments… I have a brand new horizons that I face. Who knows what awaits me in the great paths of life I’ll choose. I will pick up my head and walk boldy towards it. It’s the life I’ve prayed for in my darkest nights and it is finally here.

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Ordinary People

Ordinary People

This week has been so crazy for me. I feel like I didn’t live through it all the way … sounds strange I know. I feel like I’ve been hanging in a camera above my own body and watching what I go through… but not actually going through it myself. This engagement is still so surreal to me. We finally got the ring resized so it’s on the correct finger… and I’ve just been staring at it. I flash back to the days when I was just a kid… 12 or 13… and I went into my mom’s room when she was out at work… and i tried on her wedding dress and put on her wedding band (which I found out later that she bought for herself cause my dad never did). And just standing there looking at myself and imagining myself years from then… one day… getting married. Funny I went to school the following monday and heard the stigma attached to doing ALL that I did and one girl in particular taking glee in the declaration that “VICTORIA’S NEVER GONNA GET MARRIED!!!!!” And I just stood there feeling horrified. And every relationship… when it would fail… the horror of that day that I put my mom’s wedding band on and wore it at the same time that I wore her wedding dress had doomed me to a life alone, would creep back in. So I just stare at it like…. Wow… really, seriously have one of my own on my hand. Bought especially for me… it wasn’t someone else’s ring who said no…. it wasn’t a “promise ring” or a “place holder”. This was the official joint. And it’s just for me… for being who I am.

I was thinking today, it’s amazing what other ordinary folks can say to you that can change your whole day… or the way you look at situation. One of my LSs had someone say to her today “Look, just don’t talk to me.” A situation of 10 years laden with discomfort and betrayal … where time should heal wounds… this one just got bigger and it just destroyed her for the day. Simple words… sometimes change everything you think about a situation. Someone wrote about me once…

“She was a splinter in my mind, darting in and out of my life leaving pieces of her light behind like glitter…”

and it just totally changed the way I looked at the day… at myself… at how i interact with others…how they affect me and ultimately… how I can affect them, without even knowing.

You just never know how words can lift you.

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