Lovely Light

Lovely Light

This morning I woke up and my room was chilled to perfection (I love the cold). I was especially warm and toasty under my warm comforters and the loveliest light had entered the room. I laid there rested and wondered if I had over slept… 8:44 the clock said… Hmmmm… So I checked my watch face. 9:44! Daylight savings time! An “extra” hour of sleep has been gifted! How glorious the fall and winter are! So I laid there in bed for a few minutes before I got up and did an exercise that I read about in one of my many self empowerement books once. And upon completion, I wrote this verse:

This morning I laid in bed upon awaking

And I took the time to pay attention to me.

I touched my body and felt it through your hands

and the most amazing realizations came to mind…

My skin is very soft and warm;

My hair is fine and smooth… easy to touch and sensual;

My arms are long and loving;

My bosom is ample and inviting;

My torso is thick, but not obscene… there’s so much to love;

My legs are infinite and strong;

My back is broad and nurturing.

I wondered what your hands love most…and

path yours would take.

I found then that

When I take the time to really appreciate me…

And not wait for someone else to do it,

I’m not the woman in the mirror constantly displeased

My body doesn’t feel the size tacked on my clothes

It is a haven of love and sensuality

A treasure to any man’s life.

How could you NOT want to touch me?

It’s not terribly poetic or prophetic, but it’s how I felt finally about my body which I spend so much time hating. But it’s mine, damnit! And I have to love it. No matter who is paying it attention.

Seems like whatever cloud was looming over head has been lifted. I feel much better or at the very least I’m back to ignoring the heart of what has been bothering me. Either way, I woke up this morning feeling semi normal again.

Max and I went shopping yesterday afternoon for a gown to wear to Friday’s formal (with my baby’s chapter). Strangely enough I found my dress within a few stores. I went in there really knowing what I wanted and didnt’ want, and luckily I found exactly the dress I wanted! I ordered it, found a perfect necklace and earring set to go with it across the street. I just have to find shoes. Here’s the dress:

It’s the style on the left, but the color on the right. I feel good about it. It was really pretty.

Time to shower and start this day. I’m claiming this day. It’s gonna be great

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Two Outta Three Ain’t Bad

Two Outta Three Ain’t Bad

I want you

I need you

But there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you

Now don’t be sad

Cause two out of three ain’t bad

-Meatloaf

So my song would go slightly differently… like… I love you, I’ll do anything for you… except.. well u know. At least… never when you want or expect it… and never as frequently as you would like.

I’m feeling a serious void tonight. I tried to talk to Max about it but she was a little sloshed and really didn’t have much to offer. I sat there and for the first time in a long time… i zoned out and the thought of it all being over soothed me for a moment. I know I’ll lapse out of it. I’m probably moody from the chemicals. And nauseous from drinking the other night. But i’m terribly sad tonight. I avoided coming home for hours… i tried to find anything else to do so I wouldn’t have to be here… so I could feel completely isolated. But here i am. i just delayed the lonliness. It was sitting here on my bed, waiting for me to come in.

For the last few weeks, I come home and stare at my buddy list and wonder where all the people are that I used to chat for hours with… in to the wee hours of the morning. Where are all those filler folks who made the day pass a little faster. Have I become so detached? I’m in a whole universe on my own. A mind full of things I’ll never have…

I should be better in the morning. Things to do tomorrow to keep my mind busy…

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Reinvented

Reinvented

I went to the Concert for Love tonight which was to benefit the American Diabetes Association where famous performers come out and perform the music of Luther Vandross. Which was wonderful cause I sho do love me some Luther. He’s the best. Well, Lalah Hathaway was on the bill. And I have to say… as much as I ADORE her father… I’ve never taken the time to listen to her. I was so afraid that the whole Nat King Cole / Natalie Cole or Marvin Gaye / Nona Gaye would happen. Where the talents of the latter would make me feel icky about the former. HONEY… NOT tonight. I don’t know why I shouldn’t have expected more from Donny’s seed. Lawd Jeerus… it was Donny on the stage… as a female. SAME voice. Same control of the notes… Same beauteous expression… JUST BEAUTIFUL. I started to cry. She sang “Forever, For Always, For Love” which I’d never truly listened to all the way through when I heard Luther singing it… because it just sounded like a nice little background ballad. I listened to every word, every note every everything about the way Lalah sang that song. Good Lord! It was really WONDERFUL. Brava, Lalah. You’ve gained a brand new fan. Umma get her catalog of albums Friday.

The fibroids have been paining me today and yesterday. And now it’s officially been 2 weeks since I saw the Dr. and he hasn’t called with my results. I guess it really is time to move on to a Dr. that may care. *sigh* Fortunately / Unfortunately, in the last 2 weeks I’ve met more women in my personal circle (that I already knew, mind you) that are living with of have dealt with fibriods at one time or another. Pretty frightening. I hope the pain goes away. I hate pain numbing… because whatever I take certainly doesn’t “kill” the pain.

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Thunk

Thunk

I had an epiphany today on the train. Why name an ailment by the combination of letters and vowels most challenging to the people with that affliction. Lisp. If you have a lisp… it is NOT fun or easy to say the actual word. Why couldn’t they have made it something a little more functional for the folks with lisps to say. Like… Thunk. That’s HELLA easy for someone with a lisp to say. Just a thought….

It’s funny how folks can put images in your mind that just happen to linger there all day. They don’t have to say much, but it affects you for hours later. Watch what you say to folks I’m really beginning to think that I’m exactly the person that my guy friends wives think I am and thusly don’t like their husbands hanging out with me for. I just don’t give a fuck… and their status matters not, because I keep saying to myself (where applicable)… “they were my friends first…” But Karma is a MUTHA. Check the Song 42nd Street Happenstance (I’ll get it on the radio blog soon enough). I need to stop actin up before I end up in the corner of a pool with a straw sticking out for air…

More later…

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Admit my Quit

Admit my Quit

So I went to a Platinum Banquet to see Jenny be honored for her achievement in becoming a Platinum Direct in the BWW system. Proud of her, as we were running along side each other once but I backed out and she stayed the course. Before I left the business, I had sponsored someone who stayed in after I left. She then became personally sponsored by the people who sponsored me. Ironically, she also went Platinum and was being honored at this same event. For those unfamiliar with the structure or the workings of these kind of businesses, when you finally reach a level where they allow you to tell your story of how you get there, you briefly touch upon the trials it took to get there and what your plans are for the future. It’s even better if your sponsor skipped out on you (the story, that is…not that experience). So I expected MA’s story to include the fact that I left. Knowing that she’d be speaking, I decided to show up a little later so that I could allow her to say whatever she needed to say in order to make her success as sweet as it needed to be without having to alter her speech because I was in the audience. I showed up about an hour or two after the event started. Walked into the lobby which was decorated with the pictures of all the honorees and a little bit about them and about their story. I saw Jen’s and then walked over to MA’s. Just curious to see what she wrote. And there it was in the FIRST sentence of her story: “After a 1 & 1/2 years in the business, my sponsor, Victoria Cantave, quit and I became personally sponsored by….”

WHOA…. Never before this time had I seen my name and the word “quit” in the same sentence. I guess I had fooled myself into believing that I was different because I had a talk with MA before I left and told her I wasn’t coming back… but.. I was probably saying that to myself to feel better about it. I did quit. I wasn’t coming back. I wasn’t going to stay the course. The reasons for that are my own and they’re good for me, but will never be good enough for her or the likes of that team, and I have to accept that. I went into the banquet smiling and hugging all the faces I hadn’t seen in ages… little babies that were just born when I was in the business were full grown little boys and girls… a LOT of time had gone by. Completely without me noticing. It was a very strange night for me. There was a part of me that was so glad and honored that the bigger pins with whom I’d spent some time with remembered me… things about me… asked me how I’m doing… and gently offered that it’s never to late to come back. And that same part of me wanted to very much. But then there was the other part of me that has learned to speak MUCH louder these days about the things that have hurt me in the past… and how I shouldn’t soon forget those things, no matter how mushy and wonderful being remembered at all made me feel.

On the bright side, my hunny came to my rescue… He found a way to attend and promised to be by my side. And no matter what the folks going on stage were saying… he made our future sound brighter and more beautiful than anything that money could ever buy. I LOVE how much faith he has in us… in me. He’s my Superman. *sigh* And then my Sands, Vernie was right there holding my hand. It was a tough night and I wouldn’t have been able to handle it so graciously, smiling the whole way, if she hadn’t been right there with me. I know you’re reading this too, Vernie-ern… I LOVE YOU, MAN! I’m really blessed. I really never have to go through hardship, ever, alone if I don’t want to. There are VERY few people I know who can say the same.

With numerous blessings counted, I’ll get some sleep.

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