Self Loathing

Self Loathing

“We don’t like ourselves sometimes,” mom said today I she cut half of the jelly donut waiting for my dad when he came back. “More than sometimes,” I replied. I really thought about what she said today. We hate ourselves sometimes, even. Downright don’t care enough to treat ourselves with love and respect. To care for our own feelings before the feelings of others or to make peace with the past and just move on, instead of hanging back, lamenting and digging in old wounds. Self loathing is easy. Self Love is a process. Who else are you gonna have to be with for the rest of your life? None as long as homeboy / girl in the mirror. It’s tough. I find myself looking at myself in the bathroom mirror before I jump in the shower sometimes… and for a half a second, I’m admiring myself. But I always leave the mirror by making some stupid face at myself or sticking my tongue out at my reflection. I guess we’re taught from very young that vanity is a sin, but there’s a fine line between loving yourself and vanity. I do love myself. At least enough to recognize the things that are bad for me – mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Now… to actually do anything about those things… different story… and I’ll tackle them one at a time.

A nod to the comments left addressed by track 1 of my snazzy new radio.blog (see left). Words are important.

Date night was last night and it was my turn to come up with something to do. So we went to Madame Tussauds. It was an interesting experience. My baby is so observant. He didn’t really get into it at all, but we tried to enjoy each other anyways. A few pics were taken.

Then we went to dinners at my favorite restaurant, Deborahs. It was nice being there with him again. Crazy that on a regular night, they play techno, trance and chill music, but when my baby and I are there, they play hip hop!! LMAO! I guess they’re trying to cater to him… it’s not me cause I don’t care to hear it after I leave the office. It’s too much for me. The waitress there was new and she commented on how serene and relaxed he and I were as compared to everyone else who comes in there “vibrating”. Nice girl. She’ll get used to me. I practically live there. The food is great… the prices are a little heavy… but I pay it because I like being surrounded by folks I know… who know my name and damned near know what I’m gonna order before I do. It’s comforting to be recognized. THEN… (long date night, right?) we went to my ls nique’s birthday shindig at this place called Pamela’s Cantina. Very nice place. I’ll be back there again. Would love to have my birthday party there, but Earl is being very something about it. He’s doing the One Upsman thing again for my birthday which I don’t mind… but I don’t have a chance to do it in return for him. Which sucks cause then I feel like a bad girlfriend.

I slept soundly. Too much wine in my system for me not to. Thought about ccrm and his visit to the office yesterday. More images of gardens and the like. But it’s a passing fancy. Something just to occupy my mind with. For now. I need to stay busy.

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My Child

My Child

If I could find the place where truth exists, I would stand there and whisper memories of my children’s future.

- Saul Williams

Last night a dream quietly spoke a wish to the winds of reality. I dreamt of my child. My baby girl child, again. I was birthing her and got to know her and speak to her and spend time with her and she was really delightful. God as I write this I find myself missing her. I remember in the dream thinking… THIS is reality! I’ve finally made it to this point and she and I can be together now. And I was so disheartened by waking up, I just held my stomach and cried myself back to sleep. In all these dreams she has a name. And every time I dream that name, I wake up, say that I should blog about it immediately and then fear the sleep that I’d miss out on if I wok up at that hour. So I promise to remember it and go back to sleep. And like clockwork, I forget again. I’m so deflated that I don’t even have the energy to really MAKE myself remember. I just know she came by, again, but like before, had to go away. And although I’m glad for her visit… I’m so sorry that it keeps having to be so brief.

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Limbo

limbo

I was so out of it today. I didn’t get a chance to go to the office today. I ate something that was horrid the night before last. Got so sick that I DREAMT about getting up and hurling. And then I fulfilled my dream at 3:00 in the morning when I got up and did exactly that. I felt so crappy all day. But never was so focused on my work before. Got a lot done today.

Emotionally this was a quiet day. I’m looking forward to just resting and getting into tomorrow.

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Chocolate Crush

chocolate crush

she couldn’t put a finger on it. what that feeling was that she felt when she talked to him. she wasn’t intimidated but maintaining eye contact was so difficult. she’d shy away when he smiled and respond demurely to his questions. it was only a working capacity that he was there and he had to answer to her. the business demeanor had to be maintained. but there was something about him. she couldn’t quite figure it out. had it been that long since she felt this kind of feeling. maybe since her school years has she had to supress the inclination to giggle uncontrollably at something as simple as a glance back at her. but here, today, she found that happening. is that what it was? a crush? at this age. impossible. but then she knew… once he laid back and his locks were strewn about the couch… something about the density of his thighs and the angle of his body made her realize. she had been in this place before, knowing him this way. in her thoughts she had laid next to him and exhaled a tantric breath. she’d walked in gardens with dresses flowing, barefooted in the grass humming to holding his hand. she’d sat between his legs faced away, while he strummed his fingers in her hair and they watched the rain. she’d been in that place. and just like that, she’d crossed paths with him again, but in this lifetime, it just wasn’t the same.

4tress

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The Presence of the Lord is Here

The Presence of the Lord is Here

I have to believe that He is. In His way, for me. I was at the Night of Healing tonight and I have so many mixed emotions about what was happening in there. One the one hand you have a room full of Black folk praising and loving the Lord and singing His name and dancing and rejoicing. And on the other hand… there was this feeling like… not all of it was quite as pure and wonderful as I’d like for it to be. The preachers were preaching things while the bling of their diamonds almost blinded me. I’m not saying, don’t be rich… don’t prosper. I am thinking… wow.. that’s a little vain… no? Diamond dripped Jesus pieces… does that show that you love the Lord more? And display it better? Nothing really moved me tonight. I felt so immune to everything. Except one little girl they brought out. 8 years old. Has had 2 open heart surgery / repair operations. A living example of why folks should donate their organs. What did she have to say to the audience? : “I’m fine and I’m very excited to be here” There went the tears, just a flowin’ from my eyes. I think that’s the jist of it. Just be excited to be here. Despite all the hardships. Oh man. She was the reason I had to be there tonight. So I could hear her in all her youthful glory, exclaim how wonderful it was to be among the living. Same message I got from Six Feet Under this week. Despite all the bad stuff: “Infinite Possibilites” because I’m still in the land of the living. Feels good.

Caz contacted me yesterday while I was at work. Blast from the not so long ago past. It was interesting talking to him and learning more about myself. Seems that he’s had a baby (this year – little boy) and his daughter is growing along. He’s still with M (who he was with when he and I dealt with each other) which is good for them and the kids. And still a faithful follower of Ben Ammi. I guess some things never change. We were talking about Jill Scott (he and I IMmed all day) and he said “Let me see if you still know me, Vic. Which song on there do you think I like best?” I think I named ALL of them except for “Talk to Me” which is the jazziest of them all and of course, the one he chose. I wasn’t even doing it intentionally… I sincerely didn’t pick it because it never dawned on me. He was completely a renaissance of my creativity, musically and poetically. All of those 1999 poems were for him, about him, because of him. My tastes in music were renewed and refined thanks to his ear. I guess I was totally not tuned into him any more. And it actually didn’t hurt. Talking to him all day on IM didn’t phase me at all. And it is really nuts because I can distinctly remember a time when I though I was going to die from crying over him. But I didn’t. I’m still here and I’m loving again, righteously. Infinite possibilites.

Infinite possibilities. Amen.

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