Last Post as 20something…

On the Eve of 30

Good bye 20-something….

That’s it for me… the days of frivolity as a child are over. I must leave behind my childish ways… Now begins the days of frivolity as an adult

I really have nothing to say. My 20′s were a blast. I truly savored all the moments and I’m looking forward to the next 30… and the 30 after that

I’ve only just begun…

signing off….

- 20-something-Year-Old Victoria.

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T-Minus 2…

T-Minus 2…

2 days till my bday. I’m not feeling crazy about it… like I thought I was. I straight up missed the one year anniversary of my blog on Sept 13th because I was just stressing about 30. But the closer it comes… the less crazy I feel about it. I don’t feel any older or younger. I’m just here. I’m not under any false impressions about what will happen like last year. I’m just looking forward to the adventures of next year. What the world will open up to me. What new things I’ll experience and how my life will change. That is the one thing that I was right about last year. My whole life is going to change.

off to bed

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Infidelity

Infidelity

I have been cheating. That’s right. I’ll come out and say it. I’ve been having a torrid passionate all encompassing affair. And it’s thrilling. It’s rejuvenated me and renewed my excitement in life and I’m not ashamed of it. I’m so proud of it I’m telling the world. I’ve been covert about it and scared to come forward, but I’m going to tell everyone….

I’ve been blogging on ChocolateBrides.com. I’m sorry Blogger… I love someone new

LMAO!!!

I spent the entire day on Sunday reminiscing about my story with my baby and chasing down pictures of the timeline with us and rediscovering how I felt about us back then… and now. It felt good. I’ve kept it to myself for the most part and for the first time in a LONG time, I’m allowing myself to dream about our love and where it may grow to… like… marriage. And what kind of ring I want… or dress… or ceremony. And I’m not scared anymore. I know that it will happen. It’s just a matter of time.

It was his birthday yesterday… but I didn’t have anything planned and I felt like a horrible terrible person. I was so engulfed with trying to figure out what he was doing for me that I didn’t take the time to plan something for him. I’ve been beating myself up mentally like… I’m a really bad girlfriend. So I asked him if we’d see each other sometime during his day. He had off and I didn’t … but I made it clear through the weekend that I wanted to see him. I just wanted to be able to wish him a happy one to his face and love him and touch him. But I didn’t have any funds to work with or any plans… so he was making plans with his mom and his frat…. but… i kinda got left out. He didn’t have any intention of seeing me on his birthday. I was really hurt. I let him know how badly that hurt me. He RACED (okay???) out from Brooklyn to meet me before I got on the train and called me when he got to the building and after an unusual us yelling over each other (really not at) he came to where I was (I’d left the office) and we spent 10 minutes just kissing. *sigh* He’s so groovy. I love making up with him. Every day is making up. I’m so lucky to know Black love like this.

And his birthday is the most important day in MY life. Where would my life be if that day didn’t mean what it does?

Thank you God! He’s perfect

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Nothing, really

Nothing, really

I’m burnt out already from the events of the weekend. And honestly it hasn’t been much.

I don’t really have too much to say. I joined Chocolate Brides today (under protest) but I’m on it now. I guess I’ll have to wait and see how that all turns out.

I went to San Gennaro with Max on Friday. That was fun. Then of to Dale’s house which was 10 times more fun than I thought it would be. I had missed him and didn’t really realize it. I’m not sure if I take myself less seriously or he’s gotten nicer but I think we get along better now. And I’m glad that Max and him hit it off immediately. He’s a unique personality. I’m grateful for meeting him at all.

Okay…I would post the pics from last night, and drone on about today but you know what… I’m tired… and all I can say is…

BANANA COGNAC… BEEYATCH! *snickering*

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This Moment of Clarity

This Moment of Clarity

I haven’t posted in a few. I’ve been busy clinging to life. Things have just been happening so quickly. I’ve been really trying to keep my head down and my nose to the grindstone when it comes to work. But seems like no matter what I do, there’s no respite from the barage of crap that comes from above (my supervisors). But what can I do. Until I put into practice the ideas and thoughts that are embodied in that book: Rich Dad, Poor Dad… I am, for now, stuck in the “rat race”. It’s a shame.

I had such inspiration to write last night when I was getting home from work (at 9:00 PM). Let me preface by saying, I don’t ‘hate’ many people… but I do hate Michael Baisden… to the core of my soul. And although I hate him, his topics on the air sometimes get other people to say some thought provoking stuff. Yesterday’s topic was about why women love “bad boys” instead of nice stable guys. Interesting. And it’s funny to look back on the situation from 30,000 feet, floating in the air above that kind of living. One woman said she found herself reminiscing about all the wonderful, stimulating, sexy and interesting things about her “bad boy” but never stopped for a moment to think about how horribly he treated her and how he made her feel less than important and how he damned near got her to tear her own hair out. I thought that was interesting. I remember ABHORING these men that had hurt me… and weeks later, just being fine with them. I found myself rationalizing to my friends and loved ones why these people were back in my life. And sooner than later, they made their true selves known again. Why I started to dislike them to begin with.

Recently I’m more in touch with the REALITY of what those relationships were… not so much the feelings of disdain or pain. But just that really… we weren’t right for each other and they don’t really deserve another nod in their direction because I’ve learned now that it’s not healthy for ME. It’s not that I can’t feel the good memories from the fun stuff we’d do or the excitement from the unpredictability of it all. I can look back at that now reminiscent… not longing because I don’t want for that anymore. But it’s CLEAR to me why we’re not together anymore. There’s no reason to give it another go around to “make sure” because I’m SURE we’d fall into the same pitfalls as before, or even brand new ones that I just don’t have the patience for anymore.

I used to lament and cry and write 40 page letters that I know were ignored. Images of grinding and gnashing of teeth come to mind. I used to really hurt. And so long as I can help it, I’m never going back. Funny because later on yesterday, my baby called me and asked “Do you think I’m too good of a guy?” I yelled at him for listening to the “Anti-Christ” as I refer to MB often. I can tell he’d been listening. My baby is one of the “nice guys” that was being referred to in the show. And he almost finished last because I was letting that part of myself talk that should NEVER navigate my life. But for once in my life I let God talk to me… and I really tried to listen and understand. Originally, I fought it, not really knowing what the outcome would be. Would I be hurt again? Would I end up alone? Had I made the wrong decision? What would become of my heart?

And the advice to love like you’ve never been hurt took hold. And I, today, can say with all assurance… that no matter how this turns out, I’ll never regret that decision.

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