Rain

Rain

I’ve been marveling at the amount of rain that’s been falling lately. You would think that it’s April every day lately. I’m getting really tired of all the rain. *sigh* Oh well. Thundering passed over. It’s the only part about Rain that I really don’t like, because if it starts before I go to sleep… I simply can’t get any at all.

My brother is in such a funk right now. He called to dump some on me a few minutes ago. I hope that he’s alright. He really just needs to pray.

I really don’t have much to say today. I’ve been stressing J to blog… but maybe he has nothing to say too. who knows.

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Day’s over

Okay… today didn’t turn out half bad. I went to see that new movie I, Robot. Wasn’t half bad. Very Independance Day. But then again, it seems like most of what Will Smith does these days is along those lines. But it wasn’t bad.

I’m sitting here watching Amelie. Yet another one of life’s pleasures that I feel that no one will truly understand the way I do. I know Max and Sug like the movie quite a bit. But thefirst time I saw it, I was sitting here at this desk, on the verge of tears, feeling the dam that had been built by the drugs in the birth control pills I was taking starting to give way to the horrid sadness I was feeling for months. And for the first time in a very long time, contemplating not living. And this movie came on. And I don’t know if it was the lulling tones of true French being spoken, or the wonderfully optimistic nature of the movie itself, but after watching it, I felt completely rejuvenated and that maybe life wasn’t so bad. The only thing that saddened me was at the end when she’s riding on that bike with the love of her life and how alive they looked like they were feeling. I thought I’d never feel that again. But luckily… I have, and I do. Funny how life changes.

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Come Rain… or Come Shine

Come Rain… or Come Shine

Today was supposed to be Sugie’s Sendoff but has thusly been cancelled on the fear of rain. Which saddens me. If things are done in a park, you have to be ready, rain or shine. I had my raincoat and sneakers out and we were gonna do it up. But folks were pulling out. Sug’s mom wasn’t even coming. So we shut it down. It’s a shame cause the weather is decent now. It’s not PERFECT and sunny… but it’s not deplorable. You never know what the weather’s gonna do, so you have to be ready to live life… either way. Sing it Billie:

This morning was full of vivid, passionate dreams. Almost felt like some of them weren’t altogether dreams. One dream seems like Cary was in it. I remember just being engulfed with him. Arms wrapped around his back, hand on his neck and head. His head nuzzled in my neck. Legs entwined. But it was almost as if at certain times… he was actually there… and at others… I was enacting this all by myself and imagining him there in my dream. Really strange. That segment was quickly replaced with thoughts of my baby. Nice that my mind is getting better at this. I used to languish a bit too long on thoughts of the dangerous and impossible. But my sweetie was there in all his glory… and feeling quite randy. His skin is so soft… it’s soft in my dreams! He’s the best! His shoulders and chest are the best thing to ever happen to me… and other parts that I care not mention here. *tee hee*. Some how in the entirety of my dreaming… B2K was in there (in a performance capacity…) but I imagine it’s because I was looking through my old posts and saw their name there. Amazing what your brain brings to life when you’re sleeping. Then in one dream I got stuck out in New Jersey. Jury’s out if that was a nightmare or not. LMAO!!!!!

I guess I’m gonna figure out what this day holds for me.

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How Friends Work

How Friends Work

Me: I hate my family.

Max: oh damn

Max: what happened

Me: yo… why can’t they just be supportive?

Me: why does everyone have to be down on me. You know?

Max: what aren’t they supporting

Me: i’m in the street this morning getting breakfast for my parents and my aunt sees me in the street.

Me: I don’t even get a hello.

Max: no. way.

Me: “Vicky… WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED, HUH???”

Max: no she didn’t

Me: so I tried to ignore and ask about her daughter…

Max: right

Me: and she told me rubbing it in my face – “Sabrina has a new baby!!! WHEN ARE YOU???”

Max: Goddamn!

Max: you shoulda walked away

Me: and I’m like… you know what Auntie Sonya… I’m not ready. I don’t know when. I’m happy like this…okay?

Max: double dog damn

Me: she let me off with that. I doubt she won’t ask again… but…at least…I staved it off for today

Me: so I get home…fuming… because I DON’T have that answer.

Me: not even for myself.

Me: and my mom hands me a stack of pictures I guess my dad found.

Max: right

Me: I had to be about 12 in the picturs.

Max: ok

Me: and I was a stick.

Max: so

Me: and I looked at the pictures… and said “Damn… I was a stick, huh?”

Me: and here goes my mom…

Me: “You’d've been better off if you stayed a stick, don’t you think?”

Max: Jesus

Me: THIS COMING FROM THE WOMAN I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE

Me: I’M FAT JUST LIKE HER.

Me: SHE WAS A STICK ONCE TOO…

Max: Damn

Me: SHE SHOULD KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THIS FEELS LIKE.

Me: i’m sooo sad right now, max.

Max: Damn man I’m sorry

Max: But I know EXACTLY how you feel

Max: My Mom did a number on me the last time I saw her

Max: The following words were used

Max: Puffy

Max: Fat

Max: The family says

Max: and the closer

Max: are your feet swollen?

Me: oh man.

Max: I felt like a steaming pile of shit

Me: what is WITH these people?

Max: I have no idea

Max: I was like

Max: speechless

Max: and that’s a stretch for me

Max: I felt horrible

Max: I just wanted to go home

Max: she says to me where?

Max: In a clothing store

Max: where I couldn’t fit most of the stuff anyway

Max: Sometimes I wonder if these women are so jealous of us that they intentionally crap on us

Max: Cause we are doing so much more than they ever did

Max: Even my Aunt laying in bed probably dying of cancer mananged a Zinger when she saw me

Me: i am in like full blown cry…

Me: i’m sorry…

Max: don’t apologize

Max: i’m calling

Max: turn on your fone

Me: ok

Me: Earl is all panicky..

Me: lmao

Me: he hasn’t heard me cry over the phone before.

Max: aw

Max: i guess I can hang up

Me: i’ll call right back.

Max: no problem

Me: thank you so much for calling, Maxi.

Me: I really needed to hear someone who was on my side.

Me: I love you so much.

Max: I can’t say I have heard you cry on the fone either

Max: That’s what I’m here for

Max: Don’t let them do this to you

Max: You have accomplished so much

Max: and have more to conquer

Max: like I said

Max: everything is temporary

Max: shit could change in a second

Me: i know.

Me: *sigh*

Max: all for the positive

Me: yo it’s crazy

Me: i’m talking to Earl and he’s getting alot of the same flack from his mom..

Me: and it’s INSANE how we hold our tongues to tell them what for.

Me: “I’m doing better than you did at this age”

Me: I’d LOVE to say that to ANY of them because it’s true!

Max: Word

Max: Like I was speechless when my Mom got at me for my weight

Me: *sigh*

Me: str8 up.

Me: SAME WITH MINE

Max: I usually give her what for with her wack husband

Me: you’re a different brand of human

Me: you come from the planet Candor

Max: LOL

Max: lol

Me: lmao!!!!

Max: sometimes I wish i didn’t

Me: I don’t

Me: I’m ECSTATIC that you are

Max: cause I say shit and don’t even know why

Max: thanks man

Me: I need a friend like you around.

Max: aw I need you too man

Max: you give me faith in the good of man

Me: do?

Me: do i?

Max: cause this sister is a cynic to the core

Me: I feel like I’m losing mine.

Max: yes you do

Max: don’t

Me: it’s hard dude.

Max: you need to keep yours

Max: we’re fucked for real then if you lose it

Me: oh noooo!!!

Me: I hold the hope of the universe

Me: lmao!!!

Max: LOL

Me: yo…

Max: yo

Me: I was ready to fight someone in that club on Thursday.

Me: Lmao!!!

Max: LOL

Me: I kept trying to start something

Me: with DUDES no less.

Max: why?

Me: … off of misunderstandings.

Max: Vic = thug

Max: lol

Me: Vic = wannabe-thug

Max: misunderstandings over what?

Me: when I thought homeboy was calling Jen a bitch…

Me: it was about to be on!!!!

Max: LOL

Max: yeah

Max: I was like trying to get the info before I took my shoes off

Me: yeaaaah… my gurls had my back!

Max: please, I haven’t fought since 3rd grade but I woulda been in there

Me: and then I thought I saw Sug struggling with her Ecuadorian man.

Max: me too

Max: I was bout to step up

Me: I was watching that pretty close.

Max: i was too

Me: *tee hee*

Max: lol

Me: we’re like mother hens

Me: hahahahahah

Max: yah

Max: lol

Me: i had a hella good time, though.

Me: my feet STILL hurt.

Max: me too

Max: man i’m chillin like i’m 21

Me: TRUE!!!!

Max: my knees were shot!

Me: poor mama…

Max: I’m down to do it til the summer ends

Max: that shit was too much fun

Me: SAME HERE!!!!!

Me: *woo hoo*

Max: and it’s great excercise

Me: yeah… really more effective minus the liquor

Max: I may just wrap my knees up and do the damn thing

Max: lol

Max: word

Max: I want to go back to suede

Max: and apt

Me: and debs

Me: when we have time

I’m so lucky to have friends and a brother who are so great at catching me when I’m plummeting to the earth. My baby, Max and Domi came to my rescue today. And I feel SO much better now. I LOVE YOU GUYS Maybe I’m not a waste of time after all *wink*

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Drained

Drained

I’m completely drained today… I have shouldered an aweful lot of everyone else’s muck today that I feel down, now, myself. I’m going right to bed. Had a great time last night… shook my booty and hung with my girls. More on that after a long night’s rest.

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