Disturbing

Disturbing

I went to my company’s function today. I had to hoof it cause my baby had prior engagements in the morning. After getting off the LIRR train station (Westbury) I walked to Post Ave and Railroad Ave and there was a Bristol Assisted Living Facility at the end of the street. And right across the street from it… a cemetary. How amazingly HORRIBLE. I would abhor living there. Can you imagine? Being elderly… having been put there by your family or maybe are there of your own volition… and ot the window… all you see… is your ultimate destiny. How morose.

After getting home, I had a brief discussion with my mom about death. She mentioned “well, ultimately, we all have to die”. I told her how I have been trying to come to terms with that fact. I found myself looking at my baby when he was doing something menial the other day. I think that he was just talking and I was looking at his lips and thinking how wonderful and full they are and how amazing they make me feel when he kisses me, or says “i love you” with them. Which was immediately followed by a thought of… oh gosh… one day, I’ll have to do without that. Be it a few years from now or decades. I may look up one day and find that I won’t have that anymore. I told her that and she said, you never know what can happen. She told me about my cousin Mara that got married… when I was dating J had to be a good 4 or 5 years ago. She’s gotten a divorce since. Because he didn’t want kids and she did. (Seems like that should have been a discussion to have b4 the wedding). And that my other cousin, Tatounne, who had gotten married years ago to an African man against her mother’s wishes has also gotten a divorce. Her mother (my cousin) died since their marriage but she had warned him about this man and how he wasn’t about anything and didn’t really love her. Turns out, he married her for the opportunity to get a green card and to get at her money. Getting one and finding there wasn’t much of the other… he bounced. All that to say, I guess… maybe his lips not being near may matter less to me one day than I think it would. It’s a possibility.

I remember thinking that my life would end if I wasn’t near Shawn. And I KNEW we’d get married. Every Sunday was torturous. I used to cry… because we’d be apart for a week. Silly. I rarely cry anymore about anything. I think about him so much these days. Probably because I’ve forced myself not to to talk to him. My brother was convinced that he still loved me. And that he would just need his space to get over me. All these years later. I could see it in his face when I saw him last year. But I worry about him. I hope he’s well. I hope someone really does love him and is all that he needs. And I mostly, hope that he’s made something with his life that he is proud of. We were in his area today and I had to stop myself from asking my friends to drive by his house. I just really want to know that he’s alright. But it’s best for me to stay away. *sigh* I’ll keep praying for him though. It’s hard to put 7 years of your formative years behind you.

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My Obsession with the Celestial

My Obsession with the Celestial

I’ve started an entire photogallery dedicated to that. The heavens move me so much, it’s unreal. I could be in a total state of unrest, but the presence of the moon comforts me. The clouds remain where I think angels and God plan out their next attack on evil. The rising red sun low in the sky tempts me to stare it down till it’s too bright to even look it it’s direction. And what stars I can see always halt my steps to just marvel in what’s out there, in the universe. So… those items of the heavens that lend themselves to being captured by my camera so I can admire them… will be posted in that gallery.

I’m off to the BBQ.

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Serenity

Serenity

“Cause I love to hate the feeling…

don’t want to deal with the Morning after…

What can I say to keep you down. What can I say to keep you down.

What can I say to keep your love around me?”

I was reading the Onion yesterday on the way home to lift my spirits. I found this editorial in there that had me rolling. Seemed like a letter from all my ex’s at one point or another after the relationship to me. LMAO! Get a good laugh: The Onion : Editorial by Smoove

I need some calm today. Yesterday was entirely too busy and too critical. My brother constantly calling to lean on me emotionally is taking it’s toll. I think that before he called, I was in a good mood. Now, I don’t remember anymore. I just remember being frustrated. Almost to the point where I don’t want to pick up the phone. I’m at my wits end. I’ve said all I can say. NOTHING comforts him. *SIGH* and it’s not even a life or death situation, you know? It’s just… life. Life does things like this.

Anyways. Today is a half day for me… WHEEE!!! So I go in, crunch these promotions, and head home Couldn’t be a better thing But I still have to work tomorrow *sigh* I guess it’s all good.

More later…

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Yea, Though I walk through the valley…

Yea, Though I walk through the valley…

Getting to the train today was nice. This guy, who I imagine was an MTA worker (from his florescent vest and hard hat) and about 40 of his co-workers were standing at the base of the steps at 90th street. I noticed him out of all because he was black and pretty cute and on a phone. We locked eyes for a quick second, but I usually assume folks are just scanning their area when they lock eyes with me (because of course, the remnants of low self esteem tend to speak loudly). As I rounded the corner of the stairwell, I looked through the railing… just glancing to see if he was still looking. He had turned all the way around… and waved to me while he was talking on his cell. I smiled my little sheepish non-teeth smile and got my way up the stairs. Felt good though. I love attention; preferrably, unsolicited. It’s a libra thing. I was explaining to my friend Darrius the other day about me and my baby… how we’re both libras… and how rare that is that it works out. Libras love being center stage. So one of us has to acquiesce the stage. I’ve chosen to be that one between the two of us. I let him take center stage and be the center of our attention. He gets all my affectionate energy, and he eats it up. I dote on him constantly and admire him and rhapsodize his beauty. Maybe he doesn’t do so much for me… but it’s par for the course when you play the side stage. But he loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me. That’s my compensation. I get my “attention” from other places. Smiles on the street; praises of my work; adoration to and from my Sorors, etc. That satiates the lavishing me with compliment after compliment from my sweetie. He’s not built that way. So I’m learning to work with what he is built for. Plain old LOVE. That old fashioned stuff you just don’t find anymore.

I was on the train coming in this morning, contemplating my usual thoughts (sex, politics, fashion) when I noticed this man standing across from me. Arab man. He was looking at me… and we did the quick stare down battle. I gave in because it was just making me nervous. He looked a little antsy and that made me even moreso… That once the train went into the tunnel I started having a big panic attack. My worst fear is that some nutjob will detonate something as we’re in the deepest part of the tunnel under the river. So not only will the train get blasted to smithereens… but the pressure from the river will make the beams give and flood the tunnel. As my heart started to race… My brain snapped into motion… “The Lord is My Shepherd… I shall not want…” I put my hand over my face and just breathed and recited as much of it to myself as I could remember. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death… I shall fear no evil… Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.” I repeated it about 4 times… and I looked up and we were at 5th avenue (2 stops past the tunnel). And homeboy was gone already. Glad my mind is trained to rely on the Lord.

I got an invite the other day to attend an old acquaintances birthday party from Cary. But I won’t be around. Being polite, I called to leave a message and decline. But it was BUGGED how I had to sit there and try to remember the number. I truly didn’t remember. That number was like remembering my name. I never had to think about it. But I had to look it up on the web. That defense mech. is working a little too well. Completely burying pain in the recesses of my mind. And quickly too. I was trying to remember some stuff that happened on 9/11/01 and althought I KNOW I was in much more mental pain and anguish than I let on… the most emotion I remember showing the whole day was crying on the phone with my baby’s supervisor (she was in tears too), cause we couldn’t find my baby. Worst 5 hours of my life. He was stuck in the trains though… safe from harm. *thank GOD* I’ve been spared from a lot. I hope to continue recieving those blessings.

I’m chatty today. I guess I should get some work done. Updated some poetry the other day. Gotta get the full spectrum up there

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Bizarre Dreams

bizarre Dreams

Powered by my libido, apparently. Lately I feel like I’m this oversexed crazy person just bubbling underneath the facade of a calm collected unaffected female. But really… it’s raging. This dream was pretty bizarre and again, not altogether feeling like a dream, but maybe a memory. I felt like I was in Florida. The house’s set up reminded me of the ranch housing down there. And I was in a dimly lit living room with some man… faceless (which is rare that I think that way… I usually have faces on my dreams). But I knew this mans voice. Persuasive voice. Constantly taking time to convince me of something. And at this point in my dream, he was convincing me that we needed to get busy. So I look down at my body in the dream and I’m very milky colored… not dark at all. I dare say white… but I could NOT possibly be. (*snickering… perhaps it’s my inner self coming out*) and BUXOM. Good grief. And this man was reaching for them… Giving them all sorts of attention. And I could feel the arousal through the dream. But there was a sense of something else there. The sense that he and I were NOT supposed to be there. That what we were doing and where we were about to do it were wrong and we could get caught. At that point I saw a shadow go across the window of the front door and I panicked and expressed it to him. By this time I’m standing there completely naked and our minds are racing to think… where could we hide me. “My wife will see you…hold on… get under here…” And he showed me a long thin table behind the couch in the living room. So I scooted underneath and he covered my feet with magazines and other stuff just sitting around in the room. So I lay there listening to hear what’s going on… and he comes back and tells me it was just a delivery… So I stand up and the anticipation of what we want to do now is heightened even more. He’s saying all sorts of things to me to get me riled up… and all I can think to myself is, “I can’t wait!”.

Okay… more in a minute…I’m running to this meeting

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Alright… I’m back… that was a quick meeting. Okay… so like… I can’t WAIT for the main event. I just want that feeling so bad that I can’t really focus on anything else. The main entrance to the living room is parted with a thin sheath of fabric… like a veil or thin curtain. And through it you can see the goings on in the adjacent rooms of the house. All of the sudden… there was light in the next room and here come children… rushing into the room… to love up on their dad. Small children, couldn’t be more than 3 or 4 years old. And I, horrified, try concealing myself and my body, wondering where can I go and hide because where children are, mother is not far behind. And one of the babies looks over in my direction with the look on his face like… “who is she…she’s not mommy…” My mystery man rushes me out to the back of the house where there is a pool and tells me to hide in there till the coast is clear. So I slide into the pool… and he hands me a straw. I play the corner of the pool closest to the house and I wait. The dream ends with a 3rd person view of me (not looking like myself at all) in this pool, sinking in the corner to the bottom, while homeboy is inside playing with his kids.

Crazed. I have NO idea what I must have eaten last night before sleeping. But I have to figure it out to never have it again. I’m bugging out because if my dreams are just a peek into my alternate self… my dream self, she needs to stop messin’ around. That’s an ugly path and not really worth ANYTHING. I hope she becomes enlightened and doesn’t end up drowning.

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