Hangover

So I went out last night with my girls last night. Primarily Max & Sug but Shar was there and Az and friends. It was a BET Viewing party and I’d never gone to one of those before. But JB was throwing it and so I decided to support. I had fun. I’d never watched TV with that many people before. The intro to the show was funny and bold to me. Monique, the comedienne, and 8 other very full figured sistahs re-enacted Beyonce’s Crazy In Love Video. I cheered and cheered because it’s great that big girls can get that kind of movement going. Then some cats in the audience I was in actually booed. Although I’m transitioning out of being an “official” big girl… the hate that comes from dudes like that is what makes me so mad. If we as “big girls” could just decide on our own that maybe this isn’t what we want to be, then maybe we’d love ourselves more to actually make the change. Instead we get hated on… and then we hate ourselves… and hate the process of turning something we hate into something we can love. It’s such a sick circle. But kudos to those women… they represented.

The party wasn’t much of a party, we didn’t get to dance all that much… but the ride home was really great. I was in the car with my 2 best friends reminiscing about college and it was phenom. We laughed and remembered crazy times and just were young all over. It was really great. I’m going to miss Sug so much. She was marveling at how “black” I am now. It’s funny when I’m in these social settings with them, they marvel. Because I was soooooo white when they met me. I hear them whispering to each other “we’ve created a monster” LMAO!!!! Those two are definitely the mothers of my new mind. But it was so cool hanging out with them.

My sweet baby drove us all home and I got out and hugged everyone… and then he took me home. He played Jill Scott in the car on the way to drop Shar off… and I got out of the car to walk Shar to her apt. door. On the way back I could hear the faint guitar / violin / base of “Is It the Way”. And he stood there by the passenger seat car door with it open, waiting for me. And I looked at him. And wrapped my arms around him and kissed him. And he kissed me back in a way that said, he didn’t only want one kiss. He slid his arms around my waist and held me close. We got in the car and I held right arm as he drove (which he loves)… and he took me home. All the weirdness and stupidity that was between us for the past few days just evaporated and we were okay again. So this is for my sweetness:

This morning was just crazy. I woke up feeling like someone had done the riverdance on my head all night. I called in sick hoping to feel better by about noon so that I could get in there and do a little work. But then as I’m getting dressed from my refreshing shower… mom comes in and said “she needs my help” Seems like dad has been “wobbly” all day and very out of sorts and he needed to go to the dr… but she didn’t have the energy to do it. So I had to step in and do it. Stay the rest of the day and drive him to the Dr. I was much more comfortable driving today than I’ve been. I need to just get the license. I was worried about him. As we sat in the dr’s office waiting for him to come in, I tried to milk dad for information. Try to get a feel for what he’s feeling… I asked him if he was feeling funny today. He said no. I said “mom said you’re kind of dizzy today.” He said “Just like her” and he burst into one of his self gratifying laughs. So then I asked him… “She said you’ve been slow today” And he said, “Well…” and then he paused…. “where am I rushing to?” And I cackled this nervous laugh that started me into tears. I didn’t understand where it came from. I want to believe that it popped some nervous pressure bubble that was sitting on my chest. But I wasn’t any calmer after. So we’re all home, Dominic included and we’re monitoring him carefully. He’s got a fever of 101.3 that we’ve fought down to 100.3 And he’s still pretty sluggish. I’m hoping for a full nights sleep… his full recovery and my return to the regular world again. We’ll just have to see. I just don’t want another night like ones in the past… interrupted sleep and rushing to get to somewhere I don’t want to go.

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In the Valley

Although I’m looking fantastical… my legs have been the weapons of mass destruction uncovered… I’m feeling under the weather. Just that quick, from floating on a cloud to questioning what I’ve known to be true. Good think I’ve documented everything so I can be reminded of all the beautiful things that God has bestowed on me… and reminders that he’s sent through signs. I pray that will help pull me out of the funk faster.

As for me right now, I’ll pray and hope for the best

I also pray that my brother wins the Mega Millions tonight. If anyone deserves to, he does. I wouldn’t know what to do with it. I fear I’ve lost the ability to dream big.

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Dreams

It’s a beautiful Sunday morning and I’m up early (9:00) so I can get dressed and head to meet my baby over at LIU. But of course, before I completely forget… I had a series of dreams that I wanted to write down.

The first dream… I was back in school. At a university with cavernous halls and ceilings that reached up to the sky. And it felt so amazingly good to be studying again. I was getting great grades and really making something of my self… in theory. I loved school. Everyone had so much “potential” there. Something you just plum don’t have in the “real world” of corporate America. The slogan for this establishment should be “You’ve Reached Your Potential. Give Up”. Which is never something I heard when I was in school. There was always so much hope. So much promise that things were destined for me. Anyway… that part of the dream didn’t last too long. But I remember tossing in my bed and having a smile.

Next segment of the dream I was walking home in nothing but a white Summer Jam tee (from this year, which are pretty thin)… and it started to rain cats and dogs on my way. So ran the rest of the way home and all around the front door were these guys. Who of course were staring at me… because I was wearing a white teeshirt with nothing underneath and I was soaking wet. I thought to msyself “Please just let me get home unscathed”. One of them spoke something to me… whatever it was, it wasn’t lude. And then held the door open for me; i’m thinking to probably get a better look. And then the elevator was taking too long to come so I went up the stairs… and he followed me. I tried not to act like I felt like he was trailing me but I sure was scared when I got up the stairs to my apt. And he was coming up the stairs and I fidgeted with my keys nervously. I glanced at him coming up the stairs and really felt the nerves happening. He smiled and said “You live here?” And I breathed a steadying breath “Yes, I do”. He said, “Nice to meet you… I’m moving into 264.” I looked behind me in the hallway and there were all the signs of moving stuff… furniture wrapped with quilting and the door to 264 was wide open and wind was whistling through the apt. I said to him “Oh wow… I didn’t know the last neighbors moved out.” “Did you know them?” he said. “Briefly in passing but they’d been there all my life.” I responded. Now I wasn’t so nervous. The guy seemed pretty nice… and cute from what I could remember so he invited me in to his apt to sit and talk. I gestured that I should put some clothes on and he went in and handed me a huge bath towel, “I don’t want you to disappear and not come back.” So we sat on the floor in what would be his living room and talked for what seemed like hours. I felt very at home. The chemistry between he and I wasn’t like the dream I had with the Dr. that I met but there was a definite happy friend thing going on.

Then I had a brief dream that my baby and I were arguing about meeting up today. And he told me to stay home because he didn’t want me there. And the creeping feelings of wondering what he’s doing that he doesn’t want me around seeped in. Anyways… I woke up and called him and he sung into the phone “pretty lady… walking down the street… pretty lady…” and I exhaled a sigh of relief knowing that my waking world is much sweeter than my resting world today.

Off to meet my baby.

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Golden

today was a whirlwind of emotions. I woke up feeling strange. I had more crazy dreams last night. First dream I dreamt that the house in the hamptons that we’re going to have this party at was in the Himalayas and we had to trek (I mean TREK) up there, railroads and mules and the whole nine. Nice house though… in the dream. But that wasn’t even the trek for the party. Just to go set up for it. Strange. Then I had a separate dream that I got a phone call from Cary… or maybe in the dream I placed the call. And we were just like we’d been in the past. Quick, funny, happy to hear from each other. But he cut the convo short (as he always did) and it made me so mad… I just woke up. So feeling all weird I went about my daily trials and accomplished plenty (finished 2 websites this weekend yippeee!!!). Hung out with my brother who always makes me feel better. I was starting to feel a little lonely. All my friends have moved on. I’ve complained about this before. They are married off; they have kids; their careers are all consuming… No time to catch up with old friends anymore. But as always, my brother ofered his eternal time and attention. I love him. I’m so glad he is around. Then later on my baby came and spent a little time with me, which was sweet.

I had the best memory about him today. In his apt, there is this balcony that has western exposure… so the sun rises right in that window. I had been sleeping in that morning (sunday) and he must have gotten up to run around and get his day started. Out of my slumber I begin hearing music….

And he comes into the room and sits quietly next to me just stroking my hair and kissing my face. The sun was so bright that day… and I was so at peace.

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Pleased

So today was pretty productive. I got a lot of things squared away at work. I didn’t putz around half as much today as I did yesterday, so it felt good to accomplish something. Then after work Dee and I went to get well deserved Manicures / Pedicures at Bloomies. Before I left work, I spoke with my baby and told him that Dee and i would go get our nails done after work and if he wanted to meet up with me afterwards, we could do something together. So he said sure. Of course between that time that we spoke and I sat down to the lacquering of my nails, he and I didn’t speak again. I sat there at the drying table looking at the pouring rain and wondering how I could get in touch with my baby quickly so that he could come rescue us. No sooner did I think that than did a warm cheek brush against mine and kiss me. I was about to smack someone… but I turned and it was him. He figured that this was the last place I got my nails done and so he was trying to call me all evening. He tried swinging by there before he gave up and went home. And with his beautiful eagle eyes, he spotted me in there getting my nails dried.

I just couldn’t stop smiling. Always there. Right on time. *sigh* I must have done something really right.

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