There were whole factions of people that I used to hang my life on. I’d speak to them daily. Never a week would go by where I wouldn’t reach out to them. They were active, turning cogs in the machine of my life. Few decisions were made without consultation with them and free time was never planned without checking to see where they’d be if I took it. By the definition of what I consider to be a “friend”… I don’t know if they qualify (and to validate -I have/had very stringent standards to who I considered a “friend” as a precaution to protect my feeling/sensibilities/heart. A helluva lot of good it did me though. Hurt will just happen. )
But they were an active part of my life. I feel like… on AOL instant messenger (which is why it broke my heart when they sunsetted it earlier last year). AOL IM kept me in touch and actively a part of all my “peeps” lives. Shoot… I got to know the man that would be my husband on there. Forged the bonds of some friendships that are STILL here today on that little messenger. But something happened. Something shifted. It may have very well just been life taking its turns. For many of them, it was just a shifting in how we communicated. How often. What mediums… and slowly it faded to the background. But there was no love lost. We’d see one another in passing and it was still love and trust and good feelings. But it just wasn’t what it was.
I’ve received news of yet another old friend of that nature going to glory. And I feel so conflicted. Should I have the license to mourn her this way? I haven’t spoken to her in YEARS. I remember how close we used to be but can’t find ONE picture of us together. Because back when we would have taken pictures together, it was a question of 35 exposures per roll… and there was no way of ensuring how they came out before walking away from the experience. Yeah. THAT long ago. But she held a specific real estate for me. In my heart. As my friend.
Soror Holly Clarke. You will be missed. I pray for your soul. I pray for your son. I’m so sorry that you suffered. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to help or be of assistance. I’m happy you no longer suffer. I’m sad that we weren’t closer towards the end. (((HUGS)))