Everything Looks Good

Today was step one in getting ready to expand my family.  I’d been delaying it for a bit at first of my own volition because of the fear of all the bad news I’d get and then with my bout of mastitis – which I still don’t believe I’ve blogged about – I just knew I wasn’t ready to go see yet another doctor.  But I finally made and stuck to an appointment to the Kofinas Fertility Center to get the answers that I needed.  I knew that when I was pregnant with Athena, there were 4 fibroids growing in there with her.  I was positive that not only were they still in there but that they had probably grown and multiplied so I just… didn’t want anymore bad news.  After making and setting the appointment at least 3 times and one really long delay because they had sent my chart to archives and couldn’t seem to retrieve it fast enough, this morning all the stars aligned for me to finally get in there.  It was good to see all the faces and feel recognized by the women and men who had been a huge part of ushering my first little one in to the world.  I felt at home.  I sat in that same reception area where I remember contemplating these technologies that made this collection of women otherwise ostracized from society viable, functional “women” by nature of what we’re supposed to be able to do – host and bear life to a child.  And I sat there feeling accomplished.  No matter what happened in the exam room today – I was successful once.  And “successful” is a wild understatement.  Looking at my daughter… being in awe of her… I was a superhero once.  And if that’s all that was allotted to me in this life – it’s quite a lot.

They finally called my name and I sat and chatted with Doctor B.  Dr. Kofinas was in doing an IVF procedure and they had thusly jumbled up my appointment time.  But I didn’t really mind so much, Doctor B has always been super friendly and really helpful.  He asked me what brought me there and I told him that my husband and I were thinking about #2 and wanted to be sure that the way was clear first – considering all the complications from before the first pregnancy and the presence of fibroids while I was carrying Athena.  he went down the litany of tests that we’d run, cultures that would be taken, hormones that would be checked and then of course if everything was good to go – we’d maybe use some of those 22 embryos that are on freeze just waiting for what we’re going to do.   All well and good.  In my mind, I just needed to have an ultra sound done to see what kind of horrors the new fibroids had ravaged inside of me as they surely did.

After collecting the culture in the exam room which I always make the silliest face when I feel the q-tip deep within me where I normally have no sensations at all, Doctor B. prepared the ultrasound probe.  He inserted it and I watched on the screen.   waiting for the constant shifting of the probe and the holding steady while they drew to know sizes of the pieces of garbage in my body.  Then he said it…

“On first glance, Mrs. Fleary – everything looks good.  The uterine lining is nice and thick and looks great.  You have one small fibroid here but that is really of no concern at all.  Your ovaries look great – see the follicles in the right one … and wow!… all the follicles in the left one. No endometriosis on them… all systems look great!”

I?  could not believe it.   I couldn’t stop smiling  For the first time since 2002 – a doctor looked down and in there and told me things looked GOOD.   NORMAL… “GREAT”… I wanted to do cartwheels down the street.

I’m not broken (there) anymore… I’m whole.  I don’t have to wait a year for a torturous surgery to heal so that I could then begin having kids.  I could go home and start tonight if I wanted…

I am STILL smiling hours later.    It all looks good…  Eli – here I come.

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