The journey continues… So the docs slapped the big GD on me 2 weeks ago (gestational diabetes) and my world has been pretty topsy turvy since then. If I was finicky about what to eat before?? Now? the baby is lucky to be getting food at all. I’m scared of everything because I realize the levels of glucose damned near everything has. I watched my parents and brother struggle with Type 2 Diabetes all my life. It’s NOT something you want. And with the history of it in my family, I’m praying that this is not a springboard onto diabetes for life. Here’s to hoping. I’m working on managing my numbers and keeping them in a mid range, but I gotta tell ya… there’s not a whole lotta food I feel like eating out there that helps me to do that. Mostly everything is wrapped in some kind of glucose producing sugar. Kinda sucks that the one time in life that I coudda gotten away with eating almost anything is when I have to diet the hardest. But, like all other vices I’ve put aside, this too will go in the bin in the name of my baby’s health and wellness.
She’s an active little such and such now in there… just moving and bouncing around. Constantly kicking me. Here I was complaining that I couldn’t feel her. Now? I feel her ALL THE TIME and it’s GLORIOUS… It’s otherworldly…. this little reminder that there’s a tiny little someone growing inside. It’s humbling and awesome… usually leaves me completely speechless. I spend much more time quiet these days in anticipation of feeling the little kick or nudge and I get to wondering what she’s doing in there. How the next few years of her life, her body will be completely dedicated to growing to the next level – whether she’s aware of it or not. How intricate and amazing this whole system is. How my body is already producing the immune system protection filled meal that will help her body to grow… And not to forget – how she’s keeping me a great deal of company in this quiet time. We don’t have to say much to each other but neither of us is alone. That? feels good. I can imagine it’ll only feel better as the days move forward and of course when I finally get to meet her. I look forward to that with such anticipation… I just want to look into her face and see who’s there…. who does she look like? What kind of immense personality is waiting? Will she be quiet? Will she be fierce? Will she be all the things I ever prayed for – I already know the answer to that. Yes. She already has been.
Nursery Planning. Registry Building. Shower Coordination… there’s a lot going on in the outer world. At times I feel like “fuck it… I just won’t do any of that”. It’s starting to feel like my wedding all over again and I don’t know how much drama I really want. My people are taxed. How many times in the last 5 years have they had to corale together to do something for me or with me: Bridal Showers, Wedding, Dad’s Passing, Mom’s Passing… there’s been a constant call out to rally in the name of something happening in my life. I feel a little tired / bad calling on anyone anymore. Perhaps this should all happen quietly. Just E, me and fam greeting her into the world – no muss, no fuss. I’m all about remaining stress free / melancholy free ever since I heard that she can feel all those things… the bad emotions too. I definitely don’t want her to feel sad or droopy. This baby? needs to be so happy and in love with life. I gotta get MY mind right for that to happen!