12 Weeks, 2 Days

In my last week of the 1st Trimester. I’d hoped to be more excited. But seriously, I’m so overcome by fear at this point I’m not sure if I’ll ever get back to the point of enjoying the newness of this all. Every little ache / pain / discomfort / new feeling is undoubtedly a sign of the baby’s demise. Not just the normal stretchings and changes of this little one inside. This “advanced maternal age” has me sufficiently freaked out (coupled with all the genetic counseling and my propensity to read every horror story).

Maybe I’m doing it all to myself. But I do desire to get to a point where I’m not cowering in fear that I’m next. Or that my baby won’t make it. I get my Nuchal results on Thursday and of course the hours can’t go slower. In my last rant I forgot to mention that I will have to, without a shadow of a doubt, have a C-Section. I talked with my RE and he looked at my chart and remembered the surgery and said the amount of incisions they had to make into my uterus at all are too risky to consider a vaginal birth. And that’s that. If anyone could have told me it wasn’t possible – it was him. He patted himself on the back for what a great job he did that I was able to get pregnant naturally ? and kept it moving.

I was in Motherhood this weekend and saw the CUTEST knapsac that said “Mom in Training” — it was pink & green and everything! And I picked it up and stood online and waited online to pay for it… and as the moments flew by i thought… what if the baby doesn’t make it? what if the results from the nuchal come back dismal? what if it’s all deformed or hurt because of the RH Factor? what if… what if… what if…. I what-iffed myself out the door and placed the bag on the rack on the way out.

I just want to feel a little happy, a little carefree… for a little while…

Next week…. 2nd Trimester. Here’s to hoping!

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