Don’t Come Back.

Categories: bad day, fear, figuring it out

I kind of went through today in a daze. I didn’t really take account of anything or remember much from my train ride. Outside of the complete lack of consciousness I experienced on the train just playing with my palmpilot. When the train pulled into Times Square, I felt like I had woken up.

This weekend, my attempt at trying to make love to my baby were thwarted. By nature of course. We went out to dinner, had a great time. For the first time in a long time he talked about his childhood, which I didn’t realize I didn’t know all that much about. Not because I do most of the talking, but moreso because he talks so much about work and Kappa that I don’t really get a glimpse of who he was once upon a time. Anyway… we got to the house and laid down… and fell asleep. In the middle of the night I woke up to pee (I drank enough seltzer to water the world that day)… and there is where discovered we had missed our very small window. “My friend” was there and there was nothing I could do about it.

He and I had a long talk on Sunday afternoon. After an extended walk on the promenade with some ice cream cones in the Spring / Summer sun, he dropped me off at my house and we talked at length. If nothing else, he’s terribly honest with me. And that’s comforting. I just don’t know what’s going to happen from here. We can change and be better. Or we can stay the same and I’ll get used to it. Those are my choices? He doesn’t want to lose me. I really don’t want to lose him. But I don’t want to feign happiness. As AP puts it… “You’re putting yourself through this and you’re not even married.” But that’s the goal. Deep in my heart and in my soul.

I had a dream and Granny was in it. I actually remember telling her in the dream not to come to me anymore. Because it’s too hard for me to deal with the fact that she’s not there anymore when I awake. And I miss her too much to keep putting my heart through that. I don’t quite remember what her reaction was to it. But she’s been appearing more often in my dreams again. I still miss her so much. I hate looking at pictures of 3 generations of women and feeling that I missed my chance. I have such a hard time grasping the idea of never and forever. I’ll never have that chance again. And I feel like it will be forever before I get to be with her again.

The same kind of never/forever I felt about the skyline. I was at a pizza shop with domi and they have this mural of the old sky line. I used to stare at it like it wasn’t real. Too beautiful and too surreal to be true. Majestic and SO New York. It would welcome me home after a long trip away… and I’d be so glad to finally be in NY. All other cities yearn to be like NY… in skyline at least. Adorning their buildings in christmassy lights or outlining each and every building so it stands out against the night. Not NY. The old world peak of the Empire State and the Nouveau Art of the Twin Towers encompassed it all. All the world has to offer on one island. And I find myself looking at the same skyline now… thinking that it’s unreal. It’s a figment of my imagination that those buildings aren’t there anymore. Like… it’s a foul dream that I haven’t awoken from yet… and I will any minute. Maybe when I awake in that reality, both images that I can’t seem to reconcile being without will be there.



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